6 Ways to Step into a Better You After Narcissistic Abuse

74 6 Ways to Step into a better you after narcissistic Abuse

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a trauma informed spiritual mentor, certified meditation teacher, and human design expert. I'm empowering empaths in recovery and healing from narcissistic abuse childhood trauma through human design self-care mindfulness advice and expert interviews Subscribe now This is season five Episode 74. Six Ways to Step into a better You. After narcissistic abuse

Do you continually put yourself last until you no longer know who you are and what you want or need for your happiness? Kylie Borg, A narcissistic abuse recovery coach felt the same way for a long time. She felt ashamed and embarrassed feeling that she, quote unquote, let this happen and not understand how and why Kylie healed herself and is helping others.

Do the same and thrive, and you two can shift from this shell of a person to your happy and vibrant self. Kylie is helping you step from your past negative, abusive relationships into trusting yourself and healing your present. To live a fulfilling life, allow yourself to create and achieve a joyfilled future.

Designed by you with Kylie's help, learn how she can help you transform. Book your free discovery call today.

with a narcissist, they leave you cut down below. They take you down when you meet a narcissist. You have high confidence levels, but after they're finished with you, you've been notched down a few rungs and sometimes you are a shell of a person that you once were.

So you come to a crossroad of Who am I going to be now? And sometimes that is a, going back to who you were before and other times it is a drastic transformational change

and this is what we talk about today in the episode with Kylie Borg.

Kylie's own recovery from an emotionally traumatic and narcissistic relationship has placed her in the ultimate position to support women with similar histories. She has been coaching for over 20 years, but more recently. Made the decision to help and support women with similar past experiences to her own.

Knowing someone is in your corner to help you move forward, who also understands your past is something Kylie never had, and the reason why she's here to support you now you can find her@kylieborg.com. Let's dive into the conversation.

Kylie, how are you? Nice to meet you.

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So towards the end of the relationship. So I say the end of the last few years I was showing signs of emotional trauma. But I still hadn't put everything together. So once the relationship ended and I guess I was telling reluctantly, telling my story to some friends and family, And a psychologist or two.

It was been,

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You know, those moments where you go, oh, wow, how did I not see that? How there, there were flags? There were definitely flags. At the time I wouldn't have called them red flags, though. I would've called them maybe yellow. And you add them all up together. That, and it probably, if there's such thing as a black flag, it probably was a black flag.

But at the time I couldn't, I couldn't see it. So it was after the relationship when I went, what am I feeling? What, what's happening with me? I'm really lost. I really don't think I know who I am anymore. And bit of a funny story to that. I used to be one of those people that when people would say, I don't know who I am anymore.

I need to go find myself. I was very much like, How can that be? That doesn't make any sense to me. It's such a cliche. And then I was on the other end of it and I went, oh my God. It's a cliche for a reason. This actually happens and it's happening to me right now. I

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Yeah, so I, I did, I feel like I became someone I, I couldn't even recognize anymore. Yeah,

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Don't behave like this. That is not normal. You need help and you get told that again and again. That of course you eventually disbelieve it. So, That just instilled this level of, well, it left me with no confidence. I no longer believed my gut feeling, my intuition, that I always, I guess I relied on that quite heavily before the relationship, and all of a sudden, I didn't trust any of it.

And I did, I went out and got help many, many times. Cuz I had been convinced and I had convinced myself that okay, there is something wrong with me.

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I. Would shut down, through the session. I would listen and I wouldn't go back.

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Yes. So I just didn't go back. I'd see someone else a few months later.

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So I wanted to talk to you about it. And I typically wasn't very vulnerable because every time I was, I'd get shut down or I'd get turned around and something became my fault. So I often didn't reveal, I guess, what I really wanted to say in the end. But this time I did and I said, look, I've just explained to her what happened, you know, last night.

And she said, that she thinks you are bullying me. Which is a form of abuse. And I, I, at the time, I couldn't believe I said the words, but there was something inside me that just thought, just say it. See what happens. See where it lands. And I got in trouble.

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What lies are you making up? How could you say that about me? And then I quickly went, ah, yeah, I'm sure it was just the way that I phrased it. I'm sure I was just upset at the time cuz of what happened last night and that all would've c I just defended it

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It's, it's like you're a child.

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So I have to flip it and make it okay and let him know that. I kind of didn't mean it, and I'm okay and we're okay and this is fine, and she doesn't know what she's talking about. And I didn't go back and I remember her calling me a week later and she left me a voicemail and she just said, Kylie, I know we had a really tough conversation last week.

I'm checking in to see if you're okay. And I never call her back. I just,

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I truly at that point believed, I, I say truly there was part of me that knew or thought, he knows better than me. Surely he knows better than me, he's smarter than me. And who am I? And I'm here to support him. And, yeah, if that makes sense. Yeah. Yeah.

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Like there is no even playing ground until actually with that couple. There always has to, they always have to be in control and above. Like a power dynamic is out of balance.

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And it was funny that we were actually having this conversation, but we occasionally would. And then he said, oh, I remember when I, so we knew each other when we were really, really young. And then, It was some, you know, 20 year school reunion or something like that, that we, saw each other again.

And he said to me, you were so confident when I met you. I'm like, yeah. He's like so confident that I had to knock you down a few levels.

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And I thought, and you did it.

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Surely you saw the signs. Why did you stay? And then I realized that is not serving me at all. Reliving those past events again and again and again. What I'm doing is. Almost hurting myself again and again and again. I can't, I couldn't change it and I knew I wasn't gonna be able to move forward from there.

But there was some element, I think it gave me some reassurance that because he admitted it, I could go, oh my God. It was actually true. It is true. And he's just actually told me it's true. And he did it over years. So.

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So this was

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And I'm like, oh my God, I must be watching it way too much. But it's like ingrained in my brain.

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So going back into, I know I could like keep talk, but talk more about Shits creek, but I shouldn't. You know what, I just found these really beautiful by these same actresses on Netflix. They're French and one is called Bonfire. Bonfire of a Woman, fem Bonfire. Probably if you type in bonfire, it'll come up cause it's pretty popular. And then the other one is Women of Woman of War, or women in war. Women of war.

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But they end really good. They end really well, but they go through some crazy, crazy stuff.

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So if we're on a phone call and he is disagreeing with me, I can now hear the words that he's saying that diminishes mine.

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I never used to trust that voice in my head. Now I hear it and I believe it. I might, you know, you do have you second guess. I will absolutely admit I second guess and I go, did I, do I? Is that what I do? But especially after the call, I stop and I, I sometimes replay it and I go, what part of that is true and what part of that is not true?

And likely most of it is not true, and it's being able to. Because sometimes it's hard to do it amongst the conversation. So it's, it's, it's, it's like, oh, just get away from there. Yeah, so what I learned to do was, I guess, two things. One, when, in the conversation minimize my reaction. So try to stay calm, not get, I used to get very defensive, not get defensive, stay calm, say less, less is best, say a lot less.

And then after the conversation, so, and firstly, they don't like that. I don't know what you found, but they don't like it when you don't bite. So when you don't bite, the conversation can't go much further. So then, yeah, yeah,

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I would then not give, if it was a question, I would not necessarily give an answer right there and then, because. It's, it's almost like nothing I say now is going to work. So I would try to wind up the conversation or shut it down and hang. For me, at this point it was all on the phone, hang it up and give myself some space.

So it's during that space that I could go, what was true, what wasn't true? What is it that I really actually want to say without being influenced by them? So, cuz once you're on, once you're in the conversation, once you're on the call, as we said, it's hard to, not get caught up in it.

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It's like, why do you care about being nice right now? But I still would. I still absolutely would. So I felt like I had to give warning. I can't have this conversation right now. I'm going to hang up, keep going. I can't have this conversation right now. I will speak to you tomorrow. I'm going to hang up.

And I would actually hang up.

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If my kids were home with me, they're fine. I don't need to answer the phone.

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If he called, a second time, that's when I would go, what if something's wrong? What if, you know, I was very close to his family and his friends. What if something was wrong? And I look back now and I go, oh my goodness. Like, you probably didn't need to think that deeply about it, but that look, that's who I am and I'm okay with that, but yeah.

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You're not going to engage.

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We need to talk. And it was never a good conversation, but my trigger was the sound of his shoes in the hallway coming towards the bedroom. And so I wouldn't, I didn't know that until I knew that. So I would hear him, I would have this, it was a panic attack. It was, I would be lying in bed. My heart would be racing, I'd be shaking.

In anticipation of what was about to come. So I remember going, try to pinpoint it, try to get, get it before it happens cuz you don't know it's gonna happen. I kind of did. Don't, but you hope that it's not going to. So I said that to him. And I told him, I said, the sound of your shoes. Walking down the hallway when it's in the middle of the night triggers me.

It, it sends me into a panic. I get all shaky. I can't breathe clearly because I'm scared of what's coming. I don't like what's coming. So, I'd like you to, and I remember saying, I need you to help me on this one. Please just take your shoes off. So he did. I still heard him. I remember this the first time.

I still heard him come through the door and I thought, oh, he's taking his shoes off. Step in the right direction. Fantastic. And I felt him sit on the bed and then he said, Kylie, wake up. We need to talk. And I'm like, oh my God, are you serious? After everything that I've just said. And then I woke up and I said, are you kidding?

He's like, no, no, no. I'm just joking. And I'm like, that's not funny.

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Like they would never put themselves in their sh that sh you know, in the shoes of that role.

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Can you like, share with us maybe a few tips or four tips, that you share with your clients?

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So the process,

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It's all interchangeable. So for me, what I love about coaching is just getting behind where people are and where they wanna be and working through those gaps with them. And what works best for them. It's all about them. So I'm there just to help people see, what they can actually achieve if they want to.

So, yeah.

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So that was my biggest fear, is that I'm going to. Great that I'll be working with people, but I think I'm gonna get in trouble for doing it. And I had to again, just work through that whole self-talk of that can't happen to you anymore. You are okay. You got this. You've done all, you've done the work.

You're still doing the work. And you're not that person anymore. You're not that person anymore. You got it. A lot of self coaching. A lot of self coaching, yeah. Yes,

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So the first one would definitely be acknowledging it, but part of that is then letting it go. So getting, you can get stuck there so easily reliving, reliving, But you have to be able to reach a point where you can actually just let it go and know that it's in your past. And, you have choices from here.

The second one is deciding what is your truth? So what is your story? What is. The difference between, the truth that you are telling yourself and what you think is the truth that you've been told. So is that my voice? Is that his voice, what's true, what's not true? And it's, that goes a long way to building, rebuilding that self-confidence and ret trusting your gut and your intuition and knowing that, It's still there.

It's still there. It's just been shut down for a little while. But, separating, those conversations out. The big one for me, as we've talked about, is managing those trigger events. So they're the ones that tend to set you back the most. So, you feel like you're moving forward, then something happens that.

Puts you back how many steps, like so many steps. So being able to identify them and put in place, what's going to work for me to manage that? Not, you know, a lot of people have different ways of obviously managing those events, get some ideas, but then sit with yourself and go, what's actually going to work for me?

And spend the time on that and spend the time going. This happens to me when this event happens step by step. What are some things I can do when that comes to light and putting them into practice and. And I will say it does take practice, right? So the first time you give it a go, it's really uncomfortable cuz you don't know where it's gonna land.

You don't know what's, if it's gonna work, but try things out until you find something that sits well with you. So absolutely managing those events. The other one would be, and this was really big for me actually, so knowing. What do I wanna do next? So, who am I now? Who do I actually want to be? I remembered who I was before this relationship and I was pretty proud of that person.

Do I, do I wanna be that person? Do I wanna be a different person? It's all me. But what's important to me now? How do I see myself in the future? Who do I wanna be? What do I wanna do? What's important to me now, because when my relationship finished, I was full-time mom, so I had to find a job, I had to find a new house to live in, all of those things.

So I had to work out pretty quickly what my next steps were. And that was part of the process for me. And in line with that is deciding. What steps I'm gonna take next. So once you can actually clarify for yourself what your, let's call it your new story, which is what I like to talk to my clients about, write yourself your new story.

You can create your new story. Then you need to start taking action towards that. And I talk teeny, tiny little steps. I'm not talking leaps and bounds, I'm just talking about what's one little thing you can do today or this week. That's different from what you did last week. That might just move you that little tiny bit forward.

And if you do that once a day, once a week, whatever it is that you are, I guess ready to do, you will start seeing things shift. I think that's four.

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Like, who are you gonna be and how are you gonna break these generational curses? And I remember listening to Jen Centros, you're a badass book like four times cuz I was like, that's it. I want to be unrecognizable in a

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Being able to see that other things are possible and that this is not the end, there is so much more out there. Absolutely.

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Yeah.

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If for your listeners, if they do the 30 minute session and then they decide to work with me, through the program, I will offer them a 10% discount off the press. Yeah,

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So I really appreciated being with you today and your listeners. Yes,

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Obviously not in the middle of the night, but

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Oh my gosh. I mean, couldn't you just listen to Kylie all day long with her amazing Australian accent? So the six takeaways that I have for you to stepping into your better life, your better you, your better life, the life of your dreams, however you wanna look at it, is number one, acknowledge. Acknowledge what happened.

Number two, let go, forgive, let go. Never forget and learn from your lessons. Number two, deciding what is your truth? Number three, managing the trigger events. Number four, asking, what did I say? Number five, asking what do I want to do next? And number six,

taking the small actionable steps to do so.

And here's a motivational quote by Vasilia benstock. The abuse didn't make you strong. You overcame it because you're already strong. Let's not give the abusers credit for making us strong.

I am so grateful for you listening, finding the show, and sharing it with your friends. It would give a great boost in the heart center to algorithm to rate and review this podcast. If you are enjoying it, take a screenshot, share it on your socials, share it in a text message to a friend that you know right now needs to be pulled out of the quicksand.

And remember, always key. You're you unique, light shining.

Losing time, I'm fade in fast. I just wanna make it last. Try to let go of the past. I close my eyes. Embrace the blast. Sleepless nights and headache restlessness to hell and back. What's my purpose? But do I grab a slippery resu surface, a heart attack? Sometimes you just gotta something that'll give you relief.

What we're broken. It's tragic. We're not all elastic, but maybe there's magic. Believe you could have it.