When You Cry in Front of a Narcissist they BREAK your Heart with Amanda

Amanda Kline's When You Cry in Front of a Narcissist they break your Heart

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Welcome back to the Empath and the narcissist podcast. The mission of this podcast is to bring you education, inspiration, and empowerment. Through relatable conversations. Empowering information. And self-healing practices.

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But also I think heartbreak and narcissistic abuse and not seeing red flags in a relationship is very common nowadays. And I don't think it's talked about, there is a stigma still against mental health and all of these things. And if me telling my story. And where I am now to see how much I've grown and that I am healing.

If it helps one person or it gives one person hope. I think that means a lot to me right now, or if it helps in a relationship and opens a dialogue, those are very important things to me right now to give people. And, you know, I'm just in the process, I'm two months out, but I just think it's a very valuable lesson to learn that this woman is going on a podcast and spilling her soul and trying to help other people in the past.

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something. That's benefiting [: 00:02:00

I love it.

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You know, that feeling of like, I'm the only one who this has happened to, and that's just not true. You're not.

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Won't be okay. We crumb it occurrence a month maybe, but you're on a path of healing.

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She then received her S uh, what does that mean?

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nseling and development. And [: 00:04:00

So. Cool. Wow. Yeah. So of course I can already see, like you're a very caring person. You want to help others. You have a beautiful light with inside you that that was, uh, you know, like that drew the moth to the flame essentially. Tell us a little bit about your story.

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And nowadays you do that on the dating apps. Right. And I met this man on a dating app and right from the start, it was. The prince charming syndrome as I call it, I got texts and calls. We both went to school in Boston. We both from New Jersey and it just was inundated with all those nice things. You hear that, you know, you're special.

You're the one you're this. And I haven't heard that in so long. And so just to hear those things and just as charming and as sweet as he came across, I fell in love with him and. It was amazing. And you know, for the first few months you hear those nice things. We were engaged two and a half months after meeting.

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at another person like that. [: 00:06:00

And in my self nature, I'm a perfectionist, I'm a people pleaser. I want everyone to be happy and I was a very viable target for him.

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I think that's what makes us not psychopaths is we have empathy for others. Yes. But, um, those who are more willing, I think, to take the blame or bend over backwards to keep the peace is who they really attract to. Correct.

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We're good. I am doing everything I need to do to make you happy. And I think that when I went to Boston, I gained independence. I gained all those things, which were wonderful. And then when I moved back, I entered into this relationship. Fell back into more of the people pleasing. I don't want to rock the boat.

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So.

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I'm not a big social media person. My Facebook and Instagram are inundated with you. Look so pretty post this about me post this post, this picture of us. And I did it. I was like, sure.

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Okay.

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It was, oh, I could be a part of that. He's trying to incorporate me in his world and that's how he shows it through social media or other things that occurred. And that's what I really thought. I thought this person loved me and adored me as much as I love them because I went into this relationship with all myself and.

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I told my family about what he said and what he asked me to do. And I told the therapist what he said to me. And those were the things that in retrospect, you realize it is all about them and you don't have a voice in the relationship. And I don't think I ever truly did. And when let's say, for example, I did my toe in the water and said, I'm feeling a little overwhelmed.

I'm feeling this, his response would be well, then you can leave. Or I won't show my emotions and you know, my toe went right back out of that water because I loved him and I didn't want him to kick me out and do those things. I really thought this was my person. And he knew that

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Like there's not the term, right? Like when you're trying to sell something, you're like, oh, don't N like the takeaway, like they, they look like you just learned the love bomb. They love bomb. Love. It gets, you locked in, they have you up on the shelf and then you just kind of express yourself as a healthy, independent human being.

They don't like it cause that's, doesn't fit in their box of control. And then all of a sudden something's taken away. Like for me, it was vacation for you. It's like, well, then you can kick, kick you out of the house or probably emotionally. Right. Um, that.

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And that I'm verbally abusive. If I tried to explain my feelings and I would maybe say a sentence saying that, you know, I didn't mean it like that. I mentioned like this. And that is when it would be you're gaslighting me. That was the term. And I'm verbally abusive.

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Like they're taking all the lingo, like that's what they're experts at taking the lingo and twisting it around

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Just how I was feeling.

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I'm always. And you can't grow in a relationship. You can't grow in a marriage. It's not a healthy and normal thing. And that's, I think at the end of the day, I realized that he is not mentally and emotionally capable of having that relationship. And I got the brunt of it. I got the heartbreak from it, but on his end, he's not capable of those things.

And when you realize that you've come to that realization, there's something very powerful and healing about it that, you know, this would have never worked out. This would have ended much worse than it did.

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Once you're able to disconnect yourself from the fantasy you've created, right. Well, especially because you always refer back to the beginning of the

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And I thought in my naive mind, yes, he is. Right. I'm not sin by any means, but I'm not obese, but yes, I could. I understand where he is coming from and I don't want to lose him and I'm going to do this. And I, I mean, he was very strict with me. I can say that I was told what to eat. I was told I had enough things of that nature.

And I think that was the first start of control, I think by just putting it out there and me just saying, okay, and me. Losing so much weight in such a short time. I think he knew I was in, and at the end of the day, I feel like I was his Barbie that, you know, he bought makeup for me and told me what to wear and how to get my nails done and all of those things.

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And then just threw me out in less than 24 hours. My breakup occurred. Um, and it's very hard to get out of that mind frame. I mean, I remember a couple of weeks after I was getting my nails done and I was sitting at the nail salon going, what color do I pick? He's not texting me on what color to pick and things like that.

And I'm sitting there 10 minutes going, what looks good? It makes you question yourself. And before this relationship, I never questioned myself. I was very confident. I was very outgoing and you know, it's a process to get that back.

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I have a very supportive family and friends system. And I have a very wonderful therapist that really got me through it and had me do the work to find that out myself. that This was a narcissist that took advantage of me. And really, really, I think at the end, wanted to cause a lot of pain for me and the end of the breakup.

And I think he got satisfaction out of my crying and out of a canceled wedding. I canceled all our wedding plans myself. I think he got satisfaction out of that. Like I'm decisive. I made my decision it's about me and that was.

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And then

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I named some girl. He goes, oh, and looked right at me and said, I liked you when you were checking.

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And then the next day he called everything off. I was, we shared a home and he kicked me out and told me that was it. And. He said that he would need 24 hours to maybe think about it. So that night I called him and I said, let's talk about it. Like adults let's, you know, take a step and talk about it. He never picked up the phone and he started texting me saying that it's over.

It's all my floats, good luck with my next fiance. And I enter a 20 minutes of texts, constant. Um,

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And that's when he said I am blocking you. Blocked me on his phone. Took down all the pictures in social media. Changes status to single and blocked me. And that is the last I've ever heard of him.

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Yeah. Nor would

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I remember I asked, I think when we first met, you don't have any girls on your social media, do you date to you? What do you do? He goes, oh, when I'm done with them, I'm done with them. And I break up with. Um, so it was a foretelling, a foreshadowing of what would occur and yeah, and I moved out the next day and I went back and any gift I've given him any remnants of me, pictures, everything, all in the garbage.

And I think again, it shows that he just takes satisfaction. He knew I was going to go in there and be very upset to see that, and he's fine with it. And that's his decision and he is right. And it was very, it w the whole thing was very psychotic and very scary to go through. And, you know, we had engagement guests that he told me just to leave there.

We had a bank account. He told me that's his.

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Is it because they can't process things, they take things very personally. And so then the revenge is like their go-to. So

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Some emotional connection, but since it was an unhealthy, like they really don't know how to connect with. They don't know how to follow through. They don't know how to resolve conflicts like adults, like you said, like an adult, he probably took offense to that and let his ego because you're like, I am an adult, but it's like, he's acting like a child

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I think there's a level of immaturity with it and that you don't want to show humanity or any emotion toward another person or respect their feelings. It is all about you and what you're feeling. And. You know, whatever the case may be. I just wanted to sit down and talk about it and have a voice even at the end.

And I was denied that.

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And so many losses. I lost my home. I lost the love of my life. I thought he was his family who was nothing but nice to me, the loss of a wedding, the loss of everything. And then now to see that I don't think he had any real concrete feelings for me now to have that added to the mix. It's very painful and it's very hard to heal and work on yourself and do those things as a process of it because.

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And just wanting to please him. I just feel that I was just his target and he did what he did. And now it's over and done with

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So a social worker helped me. Um, so there's ways to get help from,

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You didn't do anything wrong. It's something that you can do for yourself, especially at the time of heartbreak. And when you need an outside source. Just to give you some perspective and let you talk and say these things. That was a very big help for me. I would say yes. He told me what to eat. He gave me a list of what to make for dinner that night.

And I went grocery shopping and did it. And I did all those things. And my therapist looked at me. He goes, you did what. And what were you doing? And all of those things, just to hear an outside perspective. And he said, what to you? I remember I was in my second session and I said, he told me it was 36 years about me.

Now. It's all about him. And just, that was her face, that face. That was like, are you sure that what

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So I think that was another excuse I used for him. Oh, he's in pain. He's having a bad mental health day. He's doing this, he's doing that. And I think that was another reason why I justified a lot of the behavior that was there. And, you know, it's really, really sad that I did that because I don't even know if that point.

It was true or was more in his head or those things just now to see. So I think I use that as an excuse for a lot of what he said and the actions he had toward me. And it's very sad. It's hard to get over and, you know, every day my therapist gave me great advice. Find the support that speaks to you during.

Find those people that are going to be there and what you really need that day and seek that out.

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I was like, I can watch what I want on TV. I don't have somebody telling me this is what we're going to watch tonight. And all of those things, I can just sit and like do a chat. What is this technology? It was a live right now. It's the little, it's the little things during this. And I was like, wait, I get to like, post me doing something.

Not like, what is this? It's that little bit of freedom you get that. You're like, I enjoy this and that's okay to enjoy it. And it's so key to do those things and it's okay to break free of the cycle that I was in.

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Yes.

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And he can watch his

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And I think that's a very important thing that I do want to voice. I'm not going to be scared to voice my opinion. And just because of. Voice your opinion. You don't love the person any less. You're just trying to have the relationship grow. And that's something that is really inundated in me now that I really want to find those things

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Like you hear kind of this concept of the spiritual world operating out of abundance or lack. So when you're in a relationship with a healthy partner versus the narcissist who is always operating in lack, then they're operating out of abundance. They're like, I have space for you and for me, whatever you want, I know I'll have time for what I want and you can do things together, come to compromises and enjoy each other's company.

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I just had so much love for this person. And I thought that was going to be it.

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Um, Leah last year. So my ninth year out of my narcissist, let's talk a little bit more about that because you're smart. You're educated. You have the background of knowing all of the signs, but what are, what are some ways that maybe someone can avoid or look out for that love bombing character?

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I think you're the one saying those like cliche phrases of, I really think you're the one. And I think I love you right now. And it's only been two weeks or it's only been two dates. And I think that. A big red flag and also you can text someone and you can call, and I understand that it makes you feel loved when they call constantly and do those things in the beginning, but there is a limit if they are doing it.

I mean, I had my phone one morning at work, just going off for two hours straight of tax. And I think that's something that you really have to look for. Yeah. And especially

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Yeah. Yes. And they know that you're enjoying it to some degree. So they're going to keep doing it. They're going to just keep on you and on you. And you know, at first it's very nice things that you want to hear. That's the other thing it's not telling you, Hey, lose weight, wear your hair this way, wear this lipstick.

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And when the, you, they keep coming at you, you think, wow, this person really loves me and this person, but no, they're just grooming you for their next steps of. Putting those drops of manipulation in of here where this do that.

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That's not a realistic time. And, you know, I can see now that it was very, very not okay. And not stable behavior for a person to exhibit toward another person, especially when they say they're going to marry them. And they say, they love you. It's when you see that and you feel uncomfortable, say something, that would be my advice just to say.

Say how you're feeling. And if the other person reacts in a negative way, that should be a red flag to you, you shouldn't have to button up because a person is saying those things and then tells you two seconds later that they love you and whatever the case may be.

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You know, analyze what they're saying.

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This is really all about his needs and what he wants you to be. And no person should have to go through that.

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Exactly. I even got a new job during this time. And. He wouldn't ask me about it a lot. And if I did go on, he would tell me I was ranting. That was a catcher. You're ranting about your job. And I'm just telling you how many days it was. But if you want to go on an hour and tell me how your day was your sweetie, go for it.

I.

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And I go, I did. Yeah, that is what he wanted. And that was his decision. And just, if that does come to that in a relationship, just have humanity for the other person and sit down and talk to them and let them have a voice. Let them have it. Even though you might be mad about something they said, or you like to have those narcissistic tendencies.

It is all about, you just have that one second of clarity, just on a human level for that other person, because I was broken for two weeks, three weeks over it. I couldn't get out of bed. I couldn't do the normal things I like to do. And it is really heartbreaking for that other person.

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And you see that. You know, you just, you feel that, well, now I'm safe and now I have a voice and now like Penn do things and it hurts the ending. It all hurts, but you at least know that for yourself, that it could have been a lot worse. And when you hear people tell you that it really resonates with you.

Yeah. Yeah,

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It's.

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If you post something sad on Facebook, you're doing it for attention. If you're going on a podcast, you're doing it because you feel heard and you want to make the other person feel heard if they hear it. And all of those things, which is not the. Most of the time it's up. They really, for me, for example, I couldn't really say much during my relationship about my emotions.

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Yeah. That's something that I'm trying to get a new normal.

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I did it. And I think at the end, she was just over me to a certain degree and was like, we're done. You can get erased from my life and that's it. And we were, we're going to get married. We had a home and all of that in a matter of 24 hours was dissolved. I was erased. And I, again, I think that reflects on him.

I don't think it reflects on me saying something or whatever the case may be. I think it reflects on him.

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It's their job. It's their show of their character. It is not anything that's reflected on.

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eners out there, you need to [: 00:40:00

The other people go through this and it's wonderful. Everyone should follow you. I have to say it's really a gift what you're doing. Thank you