Sign of Sexual Abuse in a Committed Relationship with a Narcissist

72. Sign of Sexual abuse in a Commited relationship with a Narcissist

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a trauma informed spiritual mentor, certified meditation teacher, and human design expert. I'm empowering empaths in recovery and healing from narcissistic abuse childhood trauma through human design self-care mindfulness advice and expert interviews Subscribe now This is season five

Episode 70. 72.

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The reason I bring this up today is because during Mercury retrograde, I always have these dreams that reoccur. And every time that I do dream, of my ex, it is typically under this pretense. There's always this disgusting undertone and it's always sexual in nature. And I remember going to therapy after I left my ex, , and she was able to help me define that.

Yes, I was sexually abused because for so long I felt like I was. Unsexy, I felt like I wasn't hot enough. I felt like it was always my problem that , , he couldn't finish in the bedroom. So I'm gonna dive a little bit deeper into my story. Define sexual abuse in a committed relationship. Because I think so much of society and obviously the narcissist is, , discrediting our claims that we were sexually abused because there was consent or.

We were in a committed relationship and how could there be abuse if you are always, , I elicit in these sexual acts. So let's just kind of cover the basis of what that is today. So let's dive in. Now, the definition and uh, context of this, um, is that sexual, you know, the underlying definition or.

Let's just call it, we're gonna call it out. Any type of coercive control means that there is power, unequal power between a partnership, and that there is a pattern of behaviors to manipulate, and this also applies in the bedroom. Sexual abuse in relationship refers to a pattern of behaviors used to manipulate control.

Or influence an intimate partner sexually to have power over that person. It may or may not involve physical abuse or other types of abuse. It may only occur in the bedroom. Does this sound like you, dear Empath, because this was my experience with a narcissist, and what I've found in speaking to others about narcissism is that there is usually some type of addiction, and a lot of the times the addiction also is involved in pornography or a sexual addiction.

True N P D, this social disorder, it is a dark energy that we're working with. So it does not surprise me unfortunately that sexual deviant behaviors are common more than not. And in this year, the year of the rabbit, uh, and also in my. Chinese astrology chart. I have a mixture of the, um, the rabbit. What is it?

There's a couple elements of energies mixed together. We'll have to ask, um, our funk expert, Jillian about it. Roth Jillian Rothchild, but I know in my chart specifically, I have the two animals. In combination. I think it's the rooster and the rabbit, although I could be wrong. And it is currently mixed in together this year, and I actually did a whole podcast episode on it.

So we'll have to go back and listen to it to recall what those two animals are.

ason five year of the rabbit,: 2023

Trauma bonding, covert, narcissist, caution, empaths.

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Chapter five, love Bombing and Devaluation. It's cold and raining and I'm pounding on the glass door. He's locked me outside in my lingerie, really, with the balcony on a cliff, with no exit root sight. I am stuck to keep knocking and begging to be let inside. I give up. I shiver out in the cold, and I pray for him to open it soon.

By the way, I had quit praying to God years before this moment. I don't know how this happened, what I did wrong. We started arguing over who knows what in the bedroom. When I pushed, when I was, and then I was pushed out the door. It was mind boggling. Just a few hours ago, he was rubbing my feet and laughing.

This is the up and down cycle of the narcissist, and especially when their biggest problem is in sexuality or sexual addictions. In my experience, this was the main source of our arguments was the me underperforming in the bedroom, , even though I was rubbed raw and chaffed until I was dry and had.

, bladder infections due to the excessive thrusting that never stopped and he never would come, and he always made it my problem. But you know what? It was always his problem. It was always his problem. Someone who loves you, who adores you has no problem getting off. By the way, just from my own personal experience and my other relationship, And so it just went on and on.

It's like, okay, well let's get you more drunk. ? He would, we would mix ever clear and those vodka tonic bottles to get me more loose. You know, the first sign of knowing that he was a sexual deviant person and it was gonna go down this really bad road of him guilting me into doing whatever he wanted was.

One day in my own apartment, before I moved in with him, I should have seen the sign. But at last I did not. And he made me feel guilty about not being, , open enough or flexible. And he wanted to do anal. And of course that's really uncomfortable. And I'm not judging anyone who loves anal, like go for it.

And sometimes I have actually enjoyed it, but not with him. Not with him, because it was the always this forced coercive, manipulative. Thing and it wasn't my choosing. And when something's not your choosing and you don't ask for it, a healthy partner respects you and says, okay, hands back, let's do something else that you're comfortable with.

An unhealthy sexual abusive relationship with a coercive controlling, manipulative, self-centered bastard partner will guilt you into feeling like you are an idiot for not wanting what they're asking for. Will make you as little as possible, will put you down, will punish you. We'll start an argument while you're naked and vulnerable.

We'll take away vacations. We'll lock you out naked in the cold. We'll do anything to push off the fact that you are the problem and we'll manipulate and coerce you into doing these acts. And so I ask you those who do you know, fight back and say that if you're in a relationship and you're consensual, that that doesn't include me too.

That that's unfair. No. Being guilted into doing something you don't wanna do is the unfair act. So, no, I am going to join and rise up and speak up for myself. Hashtag me too. Yeah, I might have done it without fighting and kicking and it being an actual physical, violent rape. It was a mental rape and then became physical, and I remember just lying there for so many hours.

Hours on end, four hours, five hours. Just this constant, like changing positions, changing this way, fingering, getting the loop, getting the vibrator. He even bought black market medicine to give him an erection, right? It's not like Viagra was like black market Viagra, but then he, he convinced me that it would be fun for me to take it.

And so I'm always willing to try something once. And I tried it once. I might have done it three times, but after it was like too much. My God. It was like way too much stimulation, like way too long of orgasms. Like, you know, in French, they actually called an orgasm, a petite morte. It's like a, I don't, I didn't say that right cuz I don't know French.

, I just said like a Spanish accent, but it's, it's something to the translation of a mini death. And , that is it, right? You have this euphoric high of a, , orgasm and then, ugh, you just wanna relax, ? Your body's fully relaxed. It's released everything, it's released all the stress. You just wanna take a nap.

You know all the things, ? It's a mini death. And for that to go on and on and not fully like that medicine made me like, Just buzz too much. And you know how like when you get to the point right before you climax and then, oh, it's a relief. There was no relief in sight with this medicine. It was horrible or whatever.

It was a drug probably. And so that was not fun, but I tried it. Uh, but then it was like, oh, well, you know, you're just, there would always be this guilt. Well, you're just not fun enough and so why don't you try it again? Like it might be better or things like that. Also, he introduced us watching porn. , to get into each other or to get into the act.

, then he said it'd be hotter. And of course for the first time it kind of was. But it's like again and again. No, it's not like it was the same old thing. . It was disgusting. It was just like, whatever. And it wasn't like raunchy porn. It was soft. And that's still fine if you choose to do that with your healthy partner, if that's what gets you off, that's beautiful.

But it being used as a manipulation tactic to say like, oh, you're not hot enough. Why don't we try, , a porn, all these things is just another guilt trip and another self-worth put down versus let's do this together for fun as a couple. And , it's kind of presented like that, but only to fix a problem.

There's no problem when two healthy people in a relationship are together when they have that spark and they unite. So when it's used in a manipulative way, that is when it starts to become sexually abusive and as they're referred to before in these dreams. , it's just every single time there's a dream.

Of him, and I'm sorry that I'm not giving you any hope that they're gonna be completely out of your psyche forever because they're a part of you. That's a relationship that you had. But now, instead of waking up with PTSD, T S D and having these sexually abusive, just disgusting dreams, I now can wake up and go, Hmm, so glad I'm not part of that anymore.

And then I can also say, Hey, I've got some more energetic. , cleansing that I need to do because of course, me and this platform, I'm speaking about narcissists all the time, so it is always just a tiny bit like in the back of my head. So of course my mind is processing and revisiting old memories and feelings.

So that's, that's on me. And if you're not talking about it and you're moving on, I really feel like you won't have them as frequent as I do, so that there's hope there. But the, that, the point is, Is that coercive control, manipulation. When you're at your most vulnerable, when you're naked, when you're being penetrated, that is the most insidious abuse I can think, especially in a consensual committed relationship because now it goes into your mind and your psyche and , different.

Ideas or mindsets are used against you. I know, especially in the Catholic realm or other realms where there's deviant behavior, there's scriptures, and there's God that is manipulated against you to justify this horrible act, and that's obviously the slippery slope and danger of being a celibate priest.

Like, why don't you just be a normal. Priest or pastor that can marry a woman. And so you, because , the mind may be willing, but the body is weak. It says it right there in scripture. Jesus is literally yelling, red flag, red flag. You can't be a celibate priest. , so there is, there's that exploitation there.

This is a really sensitive topic. I just want to circle back around and give you powerful S to help you heal possibly from this P T S D that you're experiencing, or sexual abuse that you are just coming to realize right now. Because it is the most violating of abuses. It is the most violating thing to do to anybody, and I think it really digs down and touches our souls.

And it makes us question almost everything, especially if it's done to us in childhood. And so the number one thing, the the number one takeaway is for you to forgive yourself even as a child. The adult made you be quiet. Keep it a secret, be a bad child or a bad girl or boy if you say anything and it's not your fault.

I mean, you may think, oh, well I didn't say anything. It's my fault. No, you were a child or you were manipulated as a teenager or adult into this coerced abuse through guilt and manipulation. So forgive yourself is number one, cuz the longer you hold onto this guilt, the more the poison seeps in into your mind, your psyche, and your soul.

And number two is to practice relieving this traumatic stress that is locked into your body. Because this is a violation to our body. It has trapped in your somatic cells, in your body. So practicing doing dance therapy, just like a dance out, just dance it out, do some shaking where you're physically like you're kind of shaking your shoulders.

You can shake your hands. Maybe you need to shake your whole body. And another really beautiful somatic practice that helps remove the stress from your body is EFT tapping. Tapping in between your eyes, the top of your head, the side of your eyes below your ears, and so on, so forth. I have an EFT tapping guided meditation on the YouTube channel and path healing.

And I, I'm sure I probably have an episode in here too, but that might be the fastest, easiest way to find it. And walking is my number. Third, walking in nature, especially walking is number three. If you have had a nightmare or a dream like this, if you feel this disgustingness in your body, get your body walking and moving.

This left right motion, getting out and seeing the birds, listening to the birds, seeing the trees that reconnect you to your soul self. At the same time of relieving this trauma from your body and being able to say, I forgive you. I love you, which is our , fourth point, walking and moving your body.

It moves the trauma out of your body, and little by little it disappears. And then number four is The Ho' o pono pono Prayer. This does an intense scrub through your psyche and your soul by repeating the mantra, I'm sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you. I love you. And it's really just, you can speak it as the adult self to your inner child and saying, I'm sorry, I didn't know better.

I'm sorry I didn't speak up. I'm sorry. I just continued. To be sucked into the manipulation. Please forgive me. Yes, you forgive yourself. Thank you. Thank you for finally waking up and seeing. It may be tough to wake up, but finally, you are not in the fog anymore, and I love you. You're supportive. You're there for yourself, you love yourself.

And you acknowledge that your higher self that is detached from your body loves you and cares for you, and pours that healing light into your body.

So those four exercises are really powerful to cleanse out this

disgusting feeling of being sexually abused. Just know that you are such a beautiful power. This is just one way the darkness tries to stamp our light, tries to hold us down and be quiet and satiate their disgusting, deep, uh, deviant dark ways, but you have a brighter, stronger light to shine. You'll do not have to despair.

You can overcome this. You can clear this out of your mind and body, and yes, you can actually have healthy, wonderful sexual relations with a new partner who loves you, respects you, holds a safe space for you, and really sparks your ignited soul. Again, I have personally experienced that and can attest to that.

And even so clearing out and healing my sexual abuse, I was able to tune in so much to the point. And of course this might not happen to everybody, but I'm just expressing an example that when I conceived both my children, I, I felt it. I knew it that instant, I knew I had felt that that seed, that orgasm, that interaction was going to spark life.

I don't know. Maybe it's cuz I'm a highly sensitive empath, but I know you are too listening so you can enjoy love and life and freedom to be sexually powerful again. It is pleasurable when you are with the right person. It is amazing. It is a stress relief. It is here for us to enjoy. Otherwise, we would not have, right?

We would not have these parts to enjoy. And you can get there. You can get there with time and patience and the right partner and loving yourself and just owning your badassery, owning your badass self, and knowing that that abuse was not your fault.

Page 64, worthy to all you impasse out there chasing fake love. This is for you. I feel your anguish. The trick in breaking that painful cycle with a love sibling or a parent is to stop chasing and to start fostering love for your own self. Relationships are a two-way street. Remember, a game of tennis. If you find you are always serving the ball, the effort, and it's not being hit back over the net, then you are currently investing in a one-sided relationship, and what is meant for you will be the people that want to be in your life will show up and be present, will hold a safe space for you.

You don't need to convince or manipulate or figure out how to have someone present in your life. You are worthy of true love, worthy of light, worthy of truth, worthy of joy, worthy of safety, worthy of laughter in the bedroom, worthy of delight and worthy of living your truest, self's purpose. Start searching and looking within yourself to find your treasures within and designed by the divine to bless other people in this world.

And I just wanna touch on what I said in the quote here in the book is, you're worthy of laughter in the bedroom. In my first relationship while being sexually abused, there was no laughter. There was only perfection. There was only disappointment. Disgusting faces, big, heavy size there. The awkward moments were always put on me.

It was my fault. That's part of it. Like you're being vulnerable, you're being kind of like you're both. I don't know. Trying to tell tele a path to each other. You have to use words. What do you want? What is it? You know, we're using body language and sometimes we may like fumble or we may bon heads or we may fart on accident.

Like a true love and a love connection allows that imperfection and laughs and then readjust and moves on. I'm gonna, I can't tell you how many times my current partner and I have laughed over the funniest, most awkward things. But it doesn't deter us from our love, and that's true love in a romantic way.

That is a true soulmate. Not somebody coercing you and convincing you to be perfect and put on a show because they're addicted to porn and that's all they're used to, or that is their life as a narcissist, always having to be perfect and put up the shell because narcissists cannot be vulnerable and pull down their guard.

Sex is just another place for perfection to occur and for non connection and non vulnerability to happen. It's just another performance in their life. And if they can't perform and it takes 'em four hours to get off, that's their problem. That's not your problem, but they will make it your problem. So with that said, this is the time for you to rise up in your power and be.

A powerful, seductive, beautiful sexual being again in your own self. And I had to explore that in my own sexual journey of figuring out what pleased me. And I need to learn how to have an orgasm on my own. Do I? Do I love a vibrator? Do I not? Do I like it here? Do I like it there? And nothing is wrong.

Whatever you enjoy, that's what you enjoy and that's how you're designed to have pleasure. So learning to do it as well on your own helps you and keeps you secure in knowing that, ah, yeah, I'm not faulty, it's them.

If you need help detoxing from the love of a narcissist, detoxing from the toxic patterns and the sexual abuse, dive into the detox. Love Patreon. Tear today. I guide you through all of the exercises that helped me cleanse from this disgusting dark energy and become a strong, powerful, owning my own sexual beauty and love and light person who now really enjoys sex and does not have it feel like a bad thi uh, chore.

Uh, it's not a chore. It's not a bad thing. It only happens when we both desire it, and it's beautiful. There's no obligation. And I finally found myself there in that space. And yes, I may have the occasional dream here or there, like I said. But now when I wake, it is an attitude of gratitude.

I'm like, oh my God, thank God I'm not dealing with that anymore.

Yeah. So if that sounds like it is what you need right now, it is a very affordable tier. Hop on over to the patreon.com/empath healing.

I am so grateful for you listening, finding the show, and sharing it with your friends. It would give a great boost in the heart center to algorithm to rate and review this podcast. If you are enjoying it, take a screenshot, share it on your socials, share it in a text message to a friend that you know right now needs to be pulled out of the quicksand.

And remember, always key. You're you unique, light shining.

Losing time, I'm fade in fast. I just wanna make it last. Try to let go of the past. I close my eyes. Embrace the blast. Sleepless nights and headache restlessness to hell and back. What's my purpose? But do I grab a slippery resu surface, a heart attack? Sometimes you just gotta something that'll give you relief.

What we're broken. It's tragic. We're not all elastic, but maybe there's magic. Believe you could have it.