How To Learn To Radically Love Yourself & Leave a Narcissist

How To Learn To Radically Love Yourself & Leave a Narcissist

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She believes that women can take action towards realizing our true potential. Only when we stop proving and striving to be who everyone wants us to be. When we reveal the truth of who we are, we return to our original design and with the practice of self love and compassion, we become aligned, opening the portal into our divine purpose where true POS prosperity.

There has never been a more important time for women to reveal the truth of who we are as a catalyst for positive change in the world as the divine feminine returns. Welcome to the podcast, Monica.

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Like Danielle LaPorte.

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So share with us a tiny bit of your journey of how you got to this place of wisdom.

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Right. Like, and, and it's really, that was really hard for me because when you don't necessarily. Fit with those teachings. It can be very isolating. And I, I, I don't know about any of you, but I was not given spiritual autonomy. So it wasn't like my family was like, well, let's check something else out.

You know? Like, let's see what works for you either.

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becoming for a woman or what [: 00:04:00

And I think we're more and more learning about that. So for me, the revelation project and revealing is, is very near and dear to my heart because I believe that so much. What's true about why we're here and what our purpose is. It's, it's like it's, it's cloaked in the mystery and it's up to us, whether or not we want to explore that mystery and start to reveal and feel and heal our lives.

And so for me, it was also about revealing the feminine face, the divine, which when you really, really start to. Um, on earth, the teachings that were hidden by design were purposely co-opted or changed to fit the patriarchal narrative. You start to recognize like, oh my goodness. Like, you know, God was never a gender, you know, God was all right or in.

And I even like to exchange that word with life, right. For me, like life is sourced. And so for any of your listeners, it's just really about whatever you believe is that bigger source or that bigger essence or energy that calls to you or that, you know, is, is that. That beautiful thing that makes magic in the world.

Yeah.

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It's in here, you know, that's the other thing.

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Now I have a question that comes to mind. Was there, like what brought you out of your pretty people pleasing role as a child and into more of your.

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So normal as we kind of have each of us have our moment of awakening, you know, like I thought there's something wrong on me with me. I need a, clearly I need to be medicated. Right? Like all the things we think when we start to actually feel our lives. And I had really been doing all of the things that so many of us do through socialization, which is to wear all of the masks.

You know, I had learned to like, tap, tap, dance my way, you know, like for my next trick, you know, it's just like trying to like, you know, just get by all the time. And, you know, really, I had even done so much leadership work, but I think I knew how to talk the talk, but I didn't know how to walk the walk and.

What, what truly was behind all of that was kind of an unrevealed self-loathing that? I think so many of us are also taught to feel because when we're taught to abandon ourselves our whole life and choose belonging over ourselves, you know, that that starts to actually like, and we start to internalize all of these messages.

akdown within it contain the [: 00:08:00

Um, and part of it for me was like actually taking responsibility for that mass. And, and there was a point where I had to just stop blaming everybody else for it. You know, I had to stop, you know, and while I talk a lot about patriarchy and really, um, identifying. System I D and I do think that's important.

It's not for the purpose of blaming and not taking responsibility. It's more about seeing it, revealing it so we can, we can take part in healing it and we each have our part to play.

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Well, wait a second. Evolution exists. Like that's my other big thing, especially the extreme religions where they don't really share with you of the world, quote, unquote concepts, like real science, real evolution that really puts you in a place where you question everything. And it's like, have I been gaslighted like this, my entire childhood?

And when he answers, yes, that's really hard.

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And so depending on how you look at it, and there are different, you know, conversations within that. But it's really just such, um, it's like the beginning of the beginning, you know, it's just really a magical place to be. I didn't know it then, you know, so, right. So, so like I can, I can sit here in my pretty armchair and be like, yes, it's all good.

But you know, when you actually are facing it, it's like at one of those really like, oh shit moments.

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And he convinced me that only he would love me and all this BS. And so it was like the abyss, whether it's, you're getting out of a relationship or you're going out on your own from your family and like being the black sheep, it's like this deep, dark abyss. And the fear of the unknown in the future is really.

It's really good.

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pt that I call the trance of [: 00:12:00

How we're socialized. And again, whether or not you were part of a religious group, and if you, if you, and if you are right, I, I also don't want to invalidate those listeners who, who, you know, um, gain and it serves them. Right. And again, and they gained value from it. I'm not here to say, you know, I'm here to, to do my revelation project, not to do anybody else's.

So for me, it was not a fit, but. But one of the things that was really clear to me when, you know, I heard of course the Genesis story of Eve, you know, there's kind of a Genesis one story and there's a Genesis two story. Um, you know, it, I remember just hearing the one about, you know, the woman is kind of the companion she's made out of his rib.

It's like, we're suddenly in a new. By down where members the world, wait a minute, how did that happen? And, and, you know, just really from a historical and then a theological, um, you know, standpoint, really starting to understand again, that that story was changed to serve political ends. Right. And, and so it's, it becomes like really fascinating when you start breaking it down.

But I remember as a little girl, like looking around like indignant, like everybody, like, and looking around in the women's. Standing there with their eyes wide open. And that's what I started calling. The trance of unworthiness, like they were in the trans like, cause they weren't angry. They were just, they were

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And so we leave, we, we literally leave, we disassociate and we go up into our head where the trans is, and that's where we no longer have access to our energy PS because it's not up. Right. It's it's, it's here, you know, it's in our heart, it's in our intuition, it's in our body. Our body holds the wisdom for women.

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Right. We were never included in those conversations. It was like, be quiet, go along with it, make sure everyone's happy. Give people the benefit of the doubt. And then all of a sudden you're wondering why we're all like experiencing narcissistic abuse is because we've been trained to yeah. And we've been conditioned to be in that trance.

So you think that. You think all of those elements contribute to? Yes.

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But then when you actually start to recognize the accumulation of the messages there's there's, um, It's like, nobody gets out of that alive in that like awake. I just want, I should say not alive, but it's kind of true. It deadens you over time.

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Yeah. Yeah. And then becoming almost like the codependent and or maybe narcissistic female role. Like you say, like narcissists always are playing the victim, like, oh, boo-hoo me all the time versus taking responsibility. Yeah. So then becoming the murder you're right. Yeah. So that contributes to the narcissistic mother, not to give an excuse, but this whole thing is a big snowball

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That's right. And you know, I, I just recently finished, um, A teacher training. I got a certification to do the archetypical work of what's called the maiden to mother, right. The maiden and the mother archetypes. And I learned so much about the mother wound and how that gets past, you know, and it's fascinating because, you know, in some cases we're all the daughters of mothers, but we're also all daughters of the patriarchy.

And so as much as we can. I think when we start to become awakened and I'll speak for myself, there was a period of time where I was pissed at my mother. I mean, I.

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w, it's like a little bit of [: 00:18:00

So it's really, it's a constant practice. And, you know, you can see me. I know your listeners can't but I'm continually putting my hand over my heart because that's the way that I remind myself to come back to myself, you know, to stay in my own hula hoop, to do my own revelation project. Don't do my mothers.

Don't do my daughter's, you know, don't do my friends, just do my own revelation project. What is here for me to do what is here for me to own and who can I forgive? You know, because. There's a way that like, yes, we, I think we have to go through all the things, the grief, the steps, the blame, all of that stuff that we have to go through to get to that place where we're actually like, okay, I think I'm done.

You know, I think I'm done blaming everybody else. I think I, I think I'm ready to actually take responsibility for everything I created now, you know, and then Christmas comes around.

So good. Yeah, that's right. But you have

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That's a little different. Maybe it's a little more evolved, you know, and then sometimes it's not, but the bottom line is that, you know, I am still human. And I think what we get better at doing is recovering and realigning. And I love saying that when we do align, we are divine because that's that place where, when we are in alignment, when we are centered, when we are intentional, we can still be messy, but we can own it.

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It all it continues to evolve. And the lesson you learned is get deeper and your boundaries get stronger and you just, you start to develop that radical. Like self-awareness that you're like, okay, now I see it like so many more light bulbs will go off. The more you, you do your introspective work, like, and I wanted to ask you about the self love, because I think that's huge.

If you don't have that self of practice, then all that drama just becomes drama and you get confused. Right? Why, um, why is the mess portal like into the self liberation and self love? Why is it so.

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Like for me, that's women, women. We carry the world on our shoulders and it gets really interesting when you start to consider all of the extra labor that we do, um, like the emotional labor, right. It's like, we've talked about the third shift and we T you know, like I even noticed it myself, right? Like what.

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His sister is like cleaning up around him. I'm like, whoa, you know, what's happening here? Um, you know, and that was my life growing up too. It was like such different treatment for the boys. Right. And it's like, so I've, I've really seen women. And for the longest time I had so much internal misogyny. So I would just want to call that out because that's a big cultural thing.

It's like we also live in a very misogynistic culture. And so we internalize that. So at some point. I really got that. I didn't know what it really meant to be in a truly intimate and wonderful relationship with women because I had been conditioned not to trust women. Right. And so where the mass comes in is when you start to actually turn towards some of these things and it doesn't feel good, it doesn't feel comfortable.

It doesn't, you know, make me look good. Right. And we're so much about appearances and so shit gets messy, fast and. I can talk about this from, you know, like a blowup perspective and having a mess on our hands or just the messy business of being human. Right. But we do all get to a point where we are so afraid to let go, because God forbid the day we let go, well, then who's going to clean it.

Right then who's going to clean it up. And part of it, you know, what I want to say is part of it for women is like, we train the world how to be in relationship with us. So we get what we tolerate. And so if we've actually been, you know, tolerating it for this long, and suddenly we just say like, I am not doing this anymore.

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That's how that's how heavy and how tight it had all become. It was like, I had breath, hunger, air hunger, like I could never breathe. It was like, the trauma was like, you know, like constricting everything and just the, the efforting and the striving. It was in the perfectionism, my God. Right? Like. So

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So I'm on like, I'm really like short of breath. But when you say that, I was like, thank God. It wasn't because I didn't get enough sleep. I mean, for sure he didn't let me sleep that night, but, uh, I just, you sh you should still be able to breathe. Like I just always, always short

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You know, we're not designed to live that way. And the truth is women are, and this is where I talk about how we live in the upside down. And as women, like, whenever something comes at us, we have to get really good at kind of flipping it over and looking at it because, because the truth is right, like.

Like we've been taught to avoid masses because somehow they implicate. 'cause think of Eve, right? Like that was a mass, like what you do, you had to eat from the apple, that tree of knowledge, like now, like what a mess. Right. And, and meanwhile, that's not even, that was a story, right. That got told in order for women to be the scapegoat.

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And I want to say, you know, it's just as much in our court as like the wounded maidens, right? Like that, that believe we've got to stay young and. And be pretty pleasing and polite to have value

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Right. Like, so when we start turning toward these truths and we start looking at them and we start wincing, it's like, Ooh, I don't like this. It doesn't feel good. And part of this is also when we returned to the body. Right. That is a messy stuff. It's like all the alarm bells are going off because we've been disassociating and numbing out.

So like when we come back into our bodies, this is a messy situation for awhile and we've been taught and we've been taught that it's a mess. So like I invite women back, not because, oh, like, uh, you know, it's messy at first, but when we start getting like really rude. Really rooted back into the truth of who we are.

iciency, which is not a sexy [: 00:28:00

Because Lynn twist is one of my mentors and she taught, she wrote the book, the soul of money, and she talks about this whole thing of not enoughness and how we're taught to live in this world of scarcity. And yet mother nature shows us every day that sufficiency and reciprocity and abundance are our birth.

Okay. So scarcity is really up here in the head is in the trance when we're out of the head and we're in the body, we get this, we get this so much. And when we are sufficient, when we are in touch with our own enoughness women, the interesting part is then we start saying enough, that's enough of you on the couch with your potato chips.

Mm. That's enough of you ruling the world, like a little boy who's tantruming. That's enough of you desecrating mother earth. That's enough. And when women have had enough shit starts to change. Yeah. Watch out. Yeah. Watch out. Yeah. And you know this because you've been in a narcissistic relationship and I think narcissism is our teacher and it is a gift for women.

It is a gift for us. If we get that, it's the grit that makes the Pearl, if we'd get to our I've had enough.

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Like, I can't do this. Right. I can't tell you how many times I probably said this. I can't do this. No, like I'm not doing this. I even remember saying that on the childbirth table, but that's a different story. It was obvious I couldn't get out of it. Right. But it, you know, and then it's, it's the trauma, it's our nervous systems.

Right. It's it's really, and, and I think, again, we come by that, honestly, because living in this world, it is actually like a very triggering place, but we have to learn to become the safest person in the room. You know, that's where women and our potential and who we are and how we're designed is so potent.

And it's so powerful, which is exactly why it was taken in, turned upside down, was in you and used against us is because. I mean, I don't really know the reason why, but I know that that has something to do with it. Yeah.

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Wavelength. They were not like men is on a pedestal. You woman, you're a witch, let's burn you on a steak. Like that was not at all, anything. So I have, I would be curious to research that and see what happened, but needless, nevertheless, it is what it is. And I think this whole narcissism like movement, I call it like the great narcissist awakening.

Pretty much since: 2016

And I wanted to ask you, why is radical self approval? A tool for transforming.

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You know, it's it's okay. You get to be messy. You got to be human, you know, does that mean I don't have to clean it up, right? Yeah. I still have to clean up my messes, you know, when their mind to clean up, when I get triggered and I project, right. Or I. Take out my frustrations on somebody, you know, like some innocent victim, um, you know, those are, those are my messes to clean up.

And certainly as mothers, we have those moments right. Where we just hit the, the penthouse floor. Right. It's like, I've, I've asked nicely eight times and now I'm, I'm, I've hit the penthouse. Right? And while we can resolve to be better about that, the bottom line is like, I'm where I don't want to ever get back to is the place I was, which was, I was so unkind to myself.

And, you know, I came to this revelation once where I was like, no one could have made me feel any worse. Then I had actually already made myself feel

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Hmm. So what was the antidote for me to shame it's like this radical self love and self approval, you know? And, and it gives me permission in that moment, you know, and it's the permission to fire myself from a job. That's just a job or to. I give myself permission to take a time out or a nap or to nourish myself, you know, it's, it's also, I talk about it as like my birthright.

Right. Which is that earlier, it's like, it's my right to nominate myself for. Challenges that I might not get right, right away. Right. But like, I see something for myself. And so the only thing that would keep me from doing it is the fear of failure. So I have to give myself permission and that grace to fail a few times.

Cause guess what? That's actually how I learn. I don't know about you, but like I fail fast and I'm proud of it because that's how I learn. I learned really fast, but I also fail fast. You know, so it's like, it's kind of turning everything on its head that we've been taught to avoid, especially for women.

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And it allows us to love ourselves again, even in the. And for the listeners, you know, I love, and even though it's a little bit trite, it, it dawned on me like, oh, that's why the Lotus blooms in the mud. You know how tick not Han says no mud, no Lotus. It's like, because it needs, we need the money. We actually need the grit.

We need the mud, we need the darkness to become the light. Right. And I don't even want to call the mass the darkness because what we've really learned when we dare to go there is that we are the light. So any darkness that comes our way, we illuminated it. It's what we do. We're made of light. Yeah.

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And it is through the grit that, that beautiful, it's really interesting that such a beautiful flower can come from such a wet and muddy place and money place is it's such a beautiful analogy we have to learn. And you were saying, oh, like, I fail so fast and I learn so fast. I'm like, are you a manifesting generator?

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It's like, why don't try it. Go ahead. Let's try it. What's it going to hurt? Okay. We have now. And like, and usually those entrepreneurs who succeed, they've done 10, 100 projects before the one that really takes off. And so. Yeah, that's right.

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And then the, I guess it's the freak genius channel. And then there's certain things. I think that like, I've started really being like, oh, that's why, you know, like certain things it's like the podcaster. Right. And then it's just so cool to look at human design and understand certain things about myself that.

I realize now, especially when it, when I go back to that conversation about self-love that sometimes looking at it through the lens of human design, I realized, gosh, I'm not even designed to do that. So why am I being so hard on myself? You know? Yeah.

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And if we don't fit in, you know, it's like goes back to the whole tribal fear of we're going to get kicked out of the group and we won't survive and no one will like us or love us. And that's like the. Human fear, you know, not even a brain in the survival in the spleen. That's right. Yeah. But it, it isn't, and I love human design because it allows you to know yourself intimately.

And once you realize that you, it just, for me, just the same as what you said before we hit record, like it made so much sense. I understood so much more about even how you interact with other people. Like, oh, well, I was always taught to do this as a child or, you know, in, in society, like most, all of us are taught to be like the manifester who is the, just do it type of person who can initiate things.

And you wonder why so many of us are frustrated and getting guidance from certain business coaches trying to get the right formula. It's like, we all have our unique formula. And why try and do that person's formula when you have your own unique.

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because we, in so many cases [: 00:40:00

Right. It's like all of these things and just really, there's still so many tenants. Um, that or that we, we continue to kind of live in our present life that have been disproved and they're, they're not serving and they're not useful, but they're kind of like embedded in our, in our socialization, you know, including kind of this narcissistic way that we all strive for more than we need.

And we, we center ourselves and. You know, it's just, there's this self-serving way that we've been conditioned to think about ourselves, that it just gets really interesting once you start the unbecoming process to kind of, cause every part of that is a little bit messy, like looking at our tendency towards let's say racism, even if it's unconscious.

Right. It's messy and it's scary. And it's hard to admit that we don't know certain things or that were mortified that we never, you know, like actually looked into the land that we live on to know who were the indigenous people that were here before me. And how can I honor them? Right. Like, so. The unbecoming process is messy is my point.

And it's why I love the mess so much is because if we're not constantly in a state of self love and approval and self approval, we're going to get really stopped in our, in our efforts to. Become a better human. So we can't let the mass be the deterrent because that's where we have these moments of revelation.

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And like you said, that unbecoming and the human design helps you rewire, you know, what you've been wired to be, which is not your true nature, your true, highest self, and all of that is a beautiful process to. Become you and to shine your beautiful, unique light out into the world. Like you said, it's a force to be reckoned with when it's shining clean and authentic and bright.

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ng ourselves, it's literally [: 00:44:00

Everything aligns. They, as soon as you turn that energy towards yourself and genuinely start loving yourself and treating yourself with compassion, it is literally like magic starts to show up in your life. And I have tons of stories about how that happened in my own life. Maybe a podcast for another time, but that truly is where the magic starts is with self.

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You're, you'll see yourself transformed it's a little bit at a day, right? A little bit and a little bit that you will eventually not be able to recognize yourself in a good way. And I remember hearing that when I was on the first part of my journey, I was like, I want that. I want to not recognize myself.

I want to stop being such a pushover and a pleaser. And I want to stop, like, with all this. But yeah, get there.

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trusting for the first time. [: 00:46:00

In fact, I knew nothing. Right. But that there is this way that each step got revealed. And again, that's the other reason I call it. The revelation project is because the minute we're in relationship with the universe in that way, where we realize that we're actually, we can lean into the universe and we can.

Catch me, you know, catch me and trust that the universe is going to catch us because things do happen when we dare to stop. You know, when we dare to stop letting somebody abuse us.

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Thank you so much for this conversation, Monica, it's truly been a blessing to have you here on the.

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And then I get to practice. Yeah. Yes. The

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Thank you and have a beautiful day.

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everybody.

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dates of the cosmic weather, [: 00:48:00

And.

take a screenshot of this podcast. Also tag me at Raven Scott show. And thank you so much. Can't wait to connect with you.