How to Die Happy without the Narcissist in your Life. - How a former Narc Changed

82 How to Die Happy without the Narcissist in your life.

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a trauma informed spiritual mentor, certified meditation teacher, and human design expert. I'm empowering empaths in recovery and healing from narcissistic abuse childhood trauma through human design self-care mindfulness advice and expert interviews Subscribe now This is season five Episode

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He has buried that old self and had done some intense shadow work through plant medicine and multiple different healing modalities, and has emerged like the Phoenix from the Ashes, a brand new man. Today with our guest, Martin Ol, we discuss what happiness is and is not, and his transformational journey from sociopath, narcissist, a man in the UK to a humble mental health advocate and yogi in Bali, having been talked out of a suicide attempt by his beagle. This rock bottom moment launched a phenomenal journey of self-healing and personal transformation. Through his intense experiences with depression and the pointless pursuance of happiness, Martin uncovered the alchemy of everlasting happiness.

What he calls the Anatomy of Happy, understanding the depths of depression, and contrasting heights of delight, compelled to share his story. He started the How To Die Happy Podcast. He just published his new psycho-spiritual Self-help book by the same name. How to Die Happy. So in today's episode, we covered his former narcissism.

The answer to that hot debated topic, can they change? And what woke him up to change? And we talked about his transformational journey and what modalities really, truly helped him again, die to his old self and renew anew through his spiritual awakening journey. And he shared also a fair few tips on how to die Happy.

I can't wait to dive into this conversation, so let's get into it.

Hey Martin. How are you?

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Mistreating many. So sociopathy. Did I say that right? First time. Okay.

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And it was only later on that I realized that actually I wasn't living a healthy life at all. I wasn't helping myself or indeed others, excuse me.

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And, well, what I later learned was abuse.

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And, and became a very bad counselor for myself. So as I got older, I began to crash and bash around the place more. I mean, even did as a child, I suppose. Then ultimately started drinking, and, and became an alcoholic. Excuse me, an alcoholic, a sex addict, a drug addict, and, a drama addict. Really, I was addicted to anything, any kind of distraction.

So year, year on, year, really this and, and layer by layer. And of course, more and more internal counseling, and very little, in fact, zero external counseling or indeed trusting anyone else, built this castle. If you like, with, inside the Keep was a, was a, a broken little boy, and around the Keep were various very machiavellian and clever security measures to keep everyone away from the broken little boy.

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very hard lessons, because I wasn't attracting, anyone who was in a was was in a, an emotional and spiritual place to be able to properly help me. So I. I, I tended to attract, so I, I I, to be, to, to use common language. I had mummy issues and I was attracting younger women who had father issues.

So we had this, we were fulfilling, a role for one another, but they were, they were very toxic, primarily. And certainly, if not toxic, certainly unhealthy. So it took for me to, to get sober. First and foremost, which I did after a, a, a series of, of really ridiculous, quite dramatic incidents and, and then a, a series injury.

ginning. That was way back in: 2015

And that's how low I got. And then ultimately from there, I had to climb back out of a very, very, very deep well of misunderstanding and do some unlearning.

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And when my mom suddenly died, that launched this strange at the time, unblocking of emotion. And, and strange things started to happen within me. I obviously realized I'd had this horrible relationship with, with the, the woman who, who gave birth to me, for years. And we'd, we, I tried, I, I'm sure she tried in her own way with, with the tools that she had, but we just never, we just never.

Managed to, to properly connect. And of course as we, as I got older, we, we disconnected and, and we saw less of each other. So I wasn't around for her cancer. And, I did actually see her on Christmas day and she died on the 6th of January. So I had so much regret I was carrying all of this guilt and shame and regret for, for not having a healthy relationship with my mom.

I was shouldering it all. Obviously at that time. It didn't really occur to me to, to consider that we were co-responsible and certainly as the adult in the relationship when I was a child, she was wholly responsible. So I had to go through that and, and that whole. Process was actually the big, the, the rebirthing of me, the, the beginning of the rebirthing of me.

And I say, I do say in the book that actually when people die, it's often the best thing that can ever, ever happen to us. And I mean it obviously in a, in an immensely positive way because for me, my mom's death was the beginning of my rebirth. Albeit a very slow, six, no, four year. Four year rebirth?

I think so I started with, with a traditional therapist and then, and then moved on through an incredible journey from there.

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hosts Ayahuasca retreats.

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And, and a great lump of my trauma. And I think what it also did was, and I'm sure this is a whole other episode, but what what it also did was, was enable me to, to, to be back here in third density, and to feel significantly more connected to everyone and everything. So it was, yeah, I mean, ayahuasca, psilocybin, masculine, five M e o d m t.

I've done some significant work since with these, incredibly powerful and healing medicines. And of course people have said to me, well, how does a drug addict use drugs to heal? And obviously I respect the truth using words like drugs, when describing, psychedelics, but that, that's not my truth.

They're medicines, they're called plant medicines and they're certainly not addictive in any way, shape or form. And, we are about to ex experience, a global revolution in, In psychology and psychiatry as a result of these medicines, assuming they're ever properly allowed or rather decriminalize,

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very well and carefully.

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So, it was, although apparently 90 odd percent of people do lie to their therapist, so it's, it's, it's quite a classic thing to do.

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So, I had a ludicrously high sense of, self importance. I was constantly seeking attention and admiration, and I bragged when I think back, I, I bragged and I showed off my, my possessions in my status. Be that cars or watches or other, other things that, that, that gave me this sense of importance and, and advertised who I was to others, but more,

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Smoke 40 cigarettes, hammer two, maybe three, maybe. Four grams of cocaine, and then clear the desk, spray some stuff around, and then the staff would come back into the agency then the next morning, you know, and I would, I would just, I would soldier on through the day. So it w there was, it was incredibly unhealthy.

And of course using drugs like that and alcohol like that, not sleeping like that plays havoc with your, with your emotions and psychology. Anyway, so you add that to the, Psychology already had, and I was manipulating and taking advantage of, of people, primarily women. I had a very unhealthy relationship with the feminine.

And through my sex addiction, would use these Machiavellian tactics to, to win female trophies. It was. A very, very confused time. And so I, I res I, I ended up with hundreds of, of sexual partners and, and of course many of these people knew what they were doing as well. It wasn't, it wasn't all one-sided.

But, but if I think, now I think back, I, I realize what a, an incredibly unhealthy relationship I had with sexuality and, and with the feminine. And I've spent. A lot of my time in the, in, in my healing process is, has actually, has been to address that as well, particularly to, to, to create more of a, a masculine feminine balance,

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I'm glad to say I have done. So there, were, there were all, all,

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is it true? Is it not? Like what the age old question?

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I saw that I, I I I, I would cheat and perhaps almost be caught out, for example, you know, with a mobile phone message flashing or something. And I would, I would go to great lengths to lie about it, but then also to, to make my partner feel as though she was insane, as though she was, insecure and jealous.

And, and I, and I would. Take that to the point where I would use rage or outrage to shatter the conversation. I would often use rage. I, I'm, I wasn't a violent, I was never violent with, with women. But I was violent. In the space. So I would, I would, hit doors or, you know, crash and banging to make, to try to distract someone from actually getting any, anywhere close to, to this broken little boy and, and to some element of truth.

So I, I showed, I showed all of the, all of the, the classic symptoms and. To an, to an extreme degree. I, I think so. How did I, well, and of course, narcissists don't know the narcissists, do they? That's the, that's the fundamental

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I say it, she, it's a, it's a feminine, energy. This medicine, we call it the grandmother, her the grandmother, and she print, she represents events trauma, but not just from your traditional perspective. She shows you your perspective. She shows you the perspective of the other person or people, but then also the, the universal perspective.

And as a result of that, you wind up with a, a completely new, Empathetic, empathetic, empathic, perspective of the event, and you can see exactly who you were and what you did, and, and you were able to see new truths. So that was how I, I, I think really it was the medicine and the, and sobriety together combined.

Because once I'd been sober for a year, And that did wonders for me. I, I'd been eating clean, I'd, I'd, I'd got fit, I'd stopped smoking. I did the whole thing. It was, I changed my environment obviously. Cause I moved to Bali and, and I spent a year not doing any work. But the work arguably the most, the most difficult work.

Well, the, the work, the work worth doing. Yeah. And,

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I was in a, a new environment with new people. Bali has, has got a huge conscious community, as you may know. So it was, it was a, it was a massive, massive change. I mean, it couldn't have, I couldn't have changed my life anymore. And as a result of that, I was able to do this, this wonderful, introspection.

And mainly on my own. But then later, I, I did do hypnotherapy with a wonderful woman called Karika Alexandra here in Bali. And she took me,

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And what she was able to do was to take me back to. My old house, my childhood house outside of my, my mom's bedroom, and I was outside the room listening to her crying and drinking and, and watching her smoking as I always did as a child through the, through the crack in the, in the door hinge. I would just sit

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And, often shouting at herself and hissing and in communicating with, with an, some sort of an entity that was, that was torturing her. So,

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And I was able to, to talk to five-year-old Martin and tell him it was not his fault. Nothing that happened to him was his fault. And he, and he was then able to communicate to my mom, the. She was neglecting him, that she, that she, that he needed her, he needed, her love and her attention and, to be hugged and to be held by her.

And, and she, through this, I, I was also able to do something called tra transpersonal therapy, where I, where I hopped into her and I could feel her pain and I could feel her misery over her addiction and her depression, and through, through this incredible process. All three of us, 45 year old me, five year old, me and my mom were able to bond in this beautiful, loving and forgiving way, which gives me goosebumps talking about it because it, it, it was time travel.

It's, it's the only way I can really describe it. And there is

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were just kind of all meshing and,

Yeah,

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Like there's no limit. Like I understand now.

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This is a way for us to heal, and this is certainly a way for a narcissist to heal is through with, with the help of either plant medicine or a, a hypnotherapist. You can, you can be put back into, into your, into your mindset, your psyche or, or in, in a, at a previous age. And so we healed five year old Martin and told him to go and play, which was a, i, I remember it still now.

It's a beautiful moment cuz he just, He just sort of, he smiled and he turned around and he actually just went off and played. And, and, you know, this kid had a, a very isolated life. So it, it, it was an, it was a beautiful healing moment. And then of course I came back, well, I, in the hypnotherapy session, just sobbed and sobbed and sobbed and then we did this clearing work.

But it was, that was a profound moment for me, I believe. Excuse me, sorry.

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narcissistic.

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I lost quite a lot of friends, through, through this change, through my sobriety, through, this work that I started to do. And, and that's okay. I'm on, I'm on a path there, on a path there. Nobody's right or wrong. And then I've, I met a beautiful woman, three and a half years ago. Jules, who's, who's my, my life partner now, and shall be forevermore.

And she does the podcast with me. She's a yogi, and an incredible, an incredibly powerful divine feminine being who has through patience and. And love taught me how to take this, this, these new skills, if you like, but then to, to, to translate them into a relationship. Bec and, and this is actually the first I've, I've got two ex ex-wives.

I've got several exer relationships. But this is the, the, the first real. Truly loving and conscious relationship I've ever had, and I'm, I'm incredibly grateful for it. So much so that I, I dedicated the book to Jules,

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question to ponder on . , we're getting this perspective that there is hope and there is definitely a modality that can shift narcissists to be able to regain empathy. How do empaths, maybe on the receiving end, like h I guess, what do they do with this information? Like do they just do their own thing or do they introduce this to their narcissist or, I'd love your take on that, cuz I know what I'd say.

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, I have what many might consider to be an, an, an overtly pragmatic approach to a lot of these things these days because I, I, amidst my journey or along, along the way, I picked up many. Practical utilities from Eastern philosophies. So I learned a about Buddhism, I learned about Daoism, I learned about Confucianism and the Buddhist in particular have a, a, a wonderfully pragmatic, logical approach to life in Samsara, as we call the, the cycle of, life, death and, and suffering and rebirth.

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So my advice to anyone, in the relationship with a narcissist, and I, and I, I do talk about this a lot in the book, is to get out of your relationship with narcissist. Now that doesn't sound particularly empathic or loving. I appreciate that, but the rationale I utilized for this is, If you feel that you have already given them enough opportunities and you have communicated your needs, and this is crucial of course, if we expect someone to behave in a certain way, but they don't, and we are disappointed, did we communicate exactly what we needed, from them?

Clearly, that's a question for us. Of course it is. But if we have done that and we've done that several times and they continue to abuse us, And of course themselves. Then we're talking about love here. Which point do we consider self-love? So at which point do we consider how much this is hurting us? How depleting it is for us, how, how much it's actually harming our mental health?

And if we are in a relationship with a, with a very clever. In, in intelligent and and Machiavellian narcissist, are we actually beginning to question ourselves and, and, and be, are we gaslit? And if we are being gaslit, how good is that for our mental health? Because I talk about, psychological. Analysis tool called Carman's Drama Triangle.

In the book, the book is packed with practical utilities. That's the fundamental point, and it's, it's curated

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Carman's Drama Triangle talks about each dramatic event, carrying, involving one of three personas, the persecutor, the rescuer, or the victim. And any drama taking place, any dramatic transaction taking place, the the people, let's say it's two people involved in that relationship, are, are assuming one of those roles, whether you know or not.

Now quite often a narcissist will, will flip between persecutor and victim. Think about how a narcissist will realize that they're not getting the attention that they need. Therefore, they will, they will accentuate their victim status. Well is me. My life is terrible. The universe hates me. This happened that happened.

Nothing goes right for me. Can you help me please? And of course an empath will, will leap to their aid because that's what empaths do, assuming the role of rescuer. And they'll hop on into that drama triangle. Unaware that they even needed a, a buoyancy aid, or any sort of, what do you call it?

Those, those guns that shoot, light up in the air. I can't remember the name of them. When, when, anyway.

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Every empath listening to this show right now will, will know exactly what I'm talking about. When you leap into help someone, an narcissist who, who is playing the victim, and then, and you think you might be making some headway, and then suddenly boom, the triangle flips and, you've become the victim and they're the persecutor.

And it happens every time. There's, there's no. There's no avoiding it. It's, and it's always going to happen because the reality is a narcissist doesn't know they're a narcissist. And until a narcissist is fully prepared to accept their own bullshit, excuse me, can I say that on

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And I know that's not what empaths want to hear, but it is the reality of of of truth. So ultimately it's all about self-love. Self-love must come first. And if we, if we want to be, if we wanna be the best, healers and helpers and supporters of others, the best thing we can do is make sure that we are always taken care of first.

If, if, you know, there's no point in, in pouring water out of our glass into another's, if our glass is already, over half, empty, right, or half full.

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yourself, fill yourself up with that self-love, and it'll overflow and it'll spill over to those who are ready to receive it, which typically will not be the narcissist.

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, and I don't mean that in, in the sense that we do it because we want to be attractive. I mean, people , who want to be around that energy will be attracted to that energy. We will resonate on the same frequency, if you like, and I think we can provide, , healing to those that have taken those early steps.

Now, it's not to say that we give up on, on narcissists , and people suffering of men with mental illness, cuz to be clear, we are talking about mental illness here. Whether or not it's been diagnosed, , is irrelevant. And let's face it, , how often is a narcissist actually diagnose a narcissist?

Because how often does a narcissist go to seek help from a professional health worker?

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Sways . Of the populace. , if we're only talking to people about this, , if they've actually been diagnosed. Cuz the reality is most of them haven't, and actually most of them have never even had therapy.

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the narcissistic trait

that we need to heal. You know, that we need to tamper, that. We need to awaken to be more conscious versus always leading with the unconscious. And I, and I love that point of view because there's so many people that are just hating on narcissist and. one thing to protect yourself and put boundaries up, right, and not allow the narcissist to continue to abuse you.

And another where you are literally hating on them and

seeing them as inhuman cuz they are human also.

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Ego literally keeps us alive. So ego contrary to what's a lot of people suggest is not the enemy. It's a misguided friend. , and I use the analogy or, or the metaphor, if you like, of monkey. So I call my ego monkey and, , you find out about some, some adventures that monkey and I have had.

, but there was a moment during my awakening process where it literally was an awakening. I, I, it was like my consciousness came to, in the backseat of a car with gaffer tape. On, covering its mouth and my, and its hands tied behind its back, and suddenly it, as it became aware of its surroundings and the earth rover, I called a human body an earth rover.

You find that in the book a lot. So consciousness is in the backseat of the Earth rover and there's a monkey. Joy riding the Earth rover, crashing and banging into all sorts of stuff. Doesn't have a license. Nobody taught monkey how to drive. Well, actually they did, but one of monkey's teachers was an alcoholic.

, so you can sort of figure how that's gonna work out and, and consciousness then suddenly broke free of, of its bonds. I broke free of my bonds and, and suddenly sort of tap monkey on the shoulder and said, Hey buddy. You can, you can get in the backseat now. You can sit down. You can sit there now. I'm gonna take over.

I'm gonna drive. I'll be asking you for, to help me to navigate every once in a while. But I think it's probably the best that I drive now. And we all, we all have that this, it's not a, it's not a narcissistic trait. I don't believe it's, it's just ego and, depending on our. Our upbringing, our social, familial religious, conditioning.

That's where the, the layer cake. Is designed. And of course, you know, therein lies the, the nature of narcissism because some of us find ourselves in a, in a, in a position where we're neglected, or abused or both. And then we develop a very skewed idea of, of, of what, how we should be behaving in certain, events and with certain people.

And of course it's, it's 99% of the time, Not the right way. And I'm not saying there is a right, right, or wrong way, but ultimately, yeah, we must, must, must see all of these things as as illness. I, I know how hard it is cuz I know we judge, we all judge. And if we see someone behaving in a certain way, conveying.

A persona and displaying certain traits. It's natural for us to say, oh, you know, that that person's a, a dick or for doing this. But then that's because we we're always just seeing the, the tip of the iceberg. Aren't we so often or less frequently, are we actually seeing what's underneath the, the surface of the water?

What made them be the way they are? What kind of conditioning have they had? What kind of trauma have they experienced? So that. And that's probably something I would advise any and all empaths to take on board is cuz that's something that we can all help. That's, that's, that's a way we can all be, exercise our, our, our heal and nature, if you like, is, is just to be more understanding.

However, there's a huge caveat there. Be understanding, but always, always, always draw clear boundaries because there is always a point where, Where we can, we can be there and hold space for people with these issues. And I, you know, I'm talking about these people. I was this person, so I'm, this is all said with love zero judgment.

But we must, must, must make sure that we protect our own space. So of course I also talk about boundaries in the book because it's, it's just as important to protect our own energetic space from these, from these people and these, these events.

Your mic's gone off. I've lost you.

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Crack open the taboo, of death for, for particularly for Westerners, obviously I, I live in the far east now, and, and, and people in Bali, for example, the B Hindus have a very different perspective on death. Death is a celebration. Funerals aren't funerals. Everyone wears beautiful bright colors and that sort of thing.

So, but I, I realized, One of the things, one of the conversations that must be had if we are to talk about how to find everlasting happiness, and that's what we're talking about here. All of this work is a process which I, which I underwent. And having gone through that whole process realized it was a process anyone could follow.

So I called it The Anatomy of Happy, and it's all outlined in the book, but it goes through self-realization, unlearning. Self-love, forgiveness and connection. And of course, I'd already learned about death at the, at the beginning of my, of my journey, be even pre, pre self-realization. And I had, and then through working with plant medicines had some frankly, profound experiences, that showed me that death is not the end.

So, The book? Yes. It's called How Today. Happy. Yes, it's, it talks about death, but only in as much as challenging people to reconsider and dis and to ly discuss it. Discuss it, because everything in this world is subject to the Univers universal law of impermanence. And we know that we know that, this microphone isn't gonna last forever.

We know that, the hairs on this beard will not be the same, by the end of today. We know that these eyes are gonna stop working, that this face is gonna change so that this body will cease to work. The Earth Rover is gonna run out of gas. We know that Every one of us knows that. Yet we are still surprised when someone dies.

And I argue, or, well, I don't really argue. I just, I put forward the, the, the point that, that this is where the work must begin. We've got to, we've gotta tackle that. We've gotta, we've gotta ask ourselves why are we surprised? And in that surprise, what happens next? What are the ramifications of that surprise?

That is to say, if you are not prepared for your mother's death, With whom you had a tempestuous relationship with whom you severely wish, that you'd, come together and had some much more meaningful conversations about your past so that you could move forward together in a, in a, in a brighter future, but then they're dead then.

Does that not mean that we need to reframe our relationship with death? How can we do that? Well, there are loads of ways we do that. It's all in the book. So yeah, that's why it's called How to Die Happy. It's essentially, it's essentially pointing out, if you want to live a truly, fulfilling life, and understand the concept of everlasting happiness and embody it, then you must also embody impermanence.

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Google Play, Spotify, scribed, yeah, audible, you name it. And of course you can go into, into your local bookstore and ask for it. And if they haven't got it, then if enough of you do that, then they'll, they'll stock it. So, and you can find out more on how today happy book.com. Of course, if you want to do that.

Or follow me on Instagram, which is at Martin Oto or of course, our podcast, which is How Today Happy Podcast or How today Happy underscore podcast on Instagram. I do have a free beef for your listeners. I, I've, so during the recording of the audiobook, In the studio, I got some guys to film me, recording a couple of chapters and I thought it would be quite fitting given the nature of our conversation to share the a video link, to me reading chapter 20, which is called Shadow Work.

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He also covered with that it takes the ability to face your darkness right through the shadow work. It takes the ability to. Face your fears and your ego self through the plant medicine in a guided environment through ayahuasca. And most narcissists in our society, they don't even wanna want to go to therapy.

So these are all the things that they really need to do if they wish to truly transform. And if they're not transforming and they're just sharing and talking, then they're just playing the game on a different platform. So this has been such an enlightening and beautiful conversation. I hope you benefit fitted from it.

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And so you should. Setting healthy boundaries, cuts toxic energetic ties. It draws a line in the sand, and there's a sign by your handiwork. It says, respectfully and with all the love in the world, don't fuck with this line with boundaries. You are setting out your stall to define who you are and who you most certainly are not.

And the link. In the show notes

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And remember, always key. You're you unique, light shining.

Losing time, I'm fade in fast. I just wanna make it last. Try to let go of the past. I close my eyes. Embrace the blast. Sleepless nights and headache restlessness to hell and back. What's my purpose? But do I grab a slippery resu surface, a heart attack? Sometimes you just gotta something that'll give you relief.

What we're broken. It's tragic. We're not all elastic, but maybe there's magic. Believe you could have it.