How to Leave a Narcissist Q&A

36. How to Leave a Narcissist Q&A episode

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a trauma informed spiritual mentor, certified meditation teacher, and human design expert. I'm empowering empaths three times a week in recovery and healing from narcissistic abuse, childhood trauma through human design, self-care, mindfulness advice, and expert interviews. This is season five

So 36, how do you leave a narcissist Q and a.

Are you ready to break out of the cycle of the narcissistic relationship? Get actionable advice and find out how to leave your partner with this helpful Q and a. Every Friday, I go live and answer your questions. And then I take them and a few of the ones that are really powerful. And if there's a main theme, which there was last week, I share with you here on the podcast.

So if you have any questions, submit them in the form on the homepage@ravenscott.show. And I will answer your questions here.

There really is no easy answer of. Are you ready to leave the narcissist? Can you leave? Should you leave? Those are all the questions. It's not an easy answer because every single person's journey is different. But I definitely. Have a common theme of the answer of if they are. Not treating you properly, if it's a toxic relationship and they are controlling you, your choices, if they're causing you stress, if there is no resolve after arguments and you feel like you're just in this perpetual cycle,

Of argue makeup, but it never got resolved. And then argue again. That's definitely a relationship that you shouldn't continue in the crazy cycle with.

And before we dive into the recording of the Q and a. I just wanted to share a few warning signs that maybe you're in a narcissistic relationship if you're new here and you're not sure. Narcissistic relationships. They often involve verbal and emotional abuse, manipulation tactics. And this person is always putting you down to lift themselves up. It's like this entitlement it's selfishness. You find yourself doing all of the chores, let's say, or you're doing all these things.

And they're just sitting there actually criticizing how you're doing the chores versus helping you. The warning signs may include continuous put downs criticisms. Like I said, especially this covert coercive control. Is the unbalance of power dynamics. And a controlling behavior.

And it can start very subtly. And you think that they're doing it for your own good or they're kind of just giving you advice and then it becomes more and more controlling. I mean, Every single little thing. What you put on social media, what shows you watch? Just because they don't say you can't watch it, but they will guilt you into the fact that.

No one should be watching it. Therefore you shouldn't watch it. So it's important to recognize that if you don't have autonomy and you don't have full freedom of your choices, In your situation, then you are in a toxic relationship.

And also a caveat on leaving a narcissist it's unique for every single person. , depending on if there's also financial abuse and you don't have means you've kind of been isolated, you don't have your own job. If you have children involved. If physical, , domestic violence starts to appear.

Leaving. The narcissist is never easy. You have a trauma bond. You are deeply connected to this person. Emotionally, they have their hooks into your heart. And so you feel bad leaving them or like you're betraying them, but that's just the conditioning and the mind. Brainwashing that they've placed onto your mind in order for you to stay.

So once you've waken up to the fact that it's important to document everything, especially when there's going to be a custody battle. Coming up, you have children involved. If they are dangerous. I mean, emotionally, they are dangerous to your children. . They wreak havoc on their children on everybody. It doesn't matter if it's their own child, they just don't have the capacity.

To stop their narcissistic behaviors and emotional manipulation just when it comes to their child. I'm the last they wake up and they want to change and go to therapy, but I'm sure that's not happening. So you need to start by documenting everything, all the manipulation, all the text messages, all the emails, get everything in writing as you can, , tape record, video, voice memos that they send through. , things like that.

Because they might know that you want a document, so they're going to cover their traces. So get everything as much as you can in recording. So building up a support system. I have friends and family that you can rely on during this time, making sure to block their phone number, going no contact with a narcissist is incredibly important.

Even social media accounts, , just take everything debt, private don't post about your whereabouts. Take the location off, even your photo settings in your phone. Make sure that your children, you're not posting about your children on social media. If there's someone that you really want to share memories with, you can do a shared photo folder in your phone.

Specifically with. , another person who has, , I think it's iPhone to iPhone. They have that, that photo folding sharing. So I'm going to share it with your family or your. At like a really close friend there. There God mother, father. Do that off social media do that privately through a photo folder and your email address, you probably will need to change that.

, of course, unless you want to document and keep all of the stuff that you need, because you're now interacting with them via. Custody issues, but that is more like when you leave. So this, these are all the things, the steps to get into place, finding a safe housing. , to live in. That they don't know the location, I think is extremely important. If you can do it where they don't know the location, keep your yourself hidden, essentially. So they can't.

Stock you. They can't harass you, , all the things that they do when they're really upset and they feel out of control. And finally it's a good idea to get advice. From an experienced therapist who can provide guidance on the safest way to end the relationship. Sometimes, like, you'll hear this recording. It may even take a restraining order.

Another question would be, how do I protect my belongings during a separation process? I mean, , my immediate answer is screw your belongings because your life and your children and your sanity is much more important. I was able to retrieve what I could. So if you plan your exit, And you, maybe you can only pack what you can pack in one bag. Maybe you can get a few boxes together.

, and leave . In the night during the day. It just depends if they're at work during the day, , having again, a team. , especially like big men to protect you and coming over to help you move. , I had actually very fortunate. My cousin in law, he's a police officer. So he actually came over and helped me move and my uncle, and then.

My cousins as well. So if you have a team like that, that can help you get out. Take advantage of it, don't say no, I got it. Just take advantage of that support. Tax forms. Yes. Important documents, licenses, all of the things. Take me, take that for sure. Uh, passports that for you, your children, , and choose an exit strategy that will allow you to safely escape with minimal contact with this person minimal.

You're not being a coward by not saying goodbye. I know I regretted that for forever. But when you're in the heat of it, you have to, because they'll either convince you and guilt you and pull you back in. Or they'll throw a huge fit and get violent. So additionally, make sure to have a safety plan. If the narcissist becomes violent and aggressive.

And of course the next step, if you are financially dependent on them is to get financially. Independent on your own. A great first step to create a budget, you know? Get a financial plan. Get your resume in order. , Maybe start working for a friend at the moment in the interim. So you can find a permanent job.

, I know sometimes relying on family members can be tricky, but can also be helpful just in the meantime, just in the interim, because sometimes we find we're stuck in a. Toxic cycle with our family as well. And now we're beholden to them because they're paying for us. So begin . My listing your income sources and expenses, right. Start to get mindful about.

All the things that you need to spend in order to know what income you need. And it really will help you determine the additional support that you might need such as assistance from family members or even government programs. If you are employed, consider taking, talking to your employer about flexible work schedules or additional job opportunities.

That you can stay financially secure.

And additionally, you can look into resources such as loans or grants. That may be able to provide temporary assistance while you adjust to life. After leasing, after leaving the narcissistic relationship.

And of course therapy can help. You can help you recover from narcissistic relationship. It can help you realize you're in an abusive relationship. To make the call to leave. You know, I already gave you the answer of what my opinion is, but I'm sure the therapist will back me up, but they do it in a very different way.

I try and ask questions, but on a podcast, I can't ask you questions cause I have to talk to you. So I'm more consulting. But when you're sitting there with a therapist, they really can address your specific needs and your questions and your concerns.

So with all that said, After I've given my answer after not being online, let's dive into the live recording of the Q and a. , drop your , questions, drop your questions down below and I will answer them. I also have my tarot deck handy, so if you wanna do a tarot card reading, that's what we'll do today.

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Going live in the Empath, spiritual healing Facebook group. It's private. You can join. So I have a few questions that have come in, but I love to respond as a human design generator to people's questions and anything topics. Responding is the way my energy flows.

So what I did get in earlier this week is a question about can narcissists have friends? That's kind of a interesting question. I think it's important to note that they will have friends. Yes. . , from my personal experience that friendship is not very deep. However, it is extremely loyal in almost like protecting each other's secrets.

Like , it's a very codependent, toxic type friendship. And , typically it is very surface level. They really don't know exactly what's going on with each other cuz they kind of don't care. They just wanna like, A chill space with somebody who doesn't ask them a lot of questions, I guess. So that friendship can easily be split, right?

If something tri gets triggered and is offended. But if they have like a super long term friendship, it is only because they don't go deep. Because if they go deep, then they get triggered and then they discard and they neglect and they. Yeah, so it's, I don't know if you wanna call it a friendship, but it's definitely some type of relationship.

Why don't N P D have empathy? That's a great question. I think that it goes back to the initial trauma. Now, not every single N P D has had trauma, but I think we all have had some type of trauma in our life, but the majority of it is, it's like a protection mechanism. So, Difficult childhood, a discard. It also could be put into a really weird relationship with a parent, like almost being treated as a lover, let's say, by the mother, and like being made to grow up real quickly and have a very unhealthy model about how relationships are.

So the first part about N P D is that this personality disorder was formed in childhood. It is a defense mechanism. For hiding and like surviving, hiding from pain, and then surviving in the world to make sure that they're not booted out of the, the community or just like discarded. Um, which is ironic because they're always constantly having horrible relationships.

Each discarding, you know, like splitting up and it's the cycle repeats. So whatever they're trying to protect themselves is like a recurring pattern, which I think. Normal for a lot of our recurring patterns, what you resist persists, right? So they don't have empathy because they lack the emotional tools.

They are frozen in time in whatever age, maybe five, maybe seven, maybe nine or 11, and like they're frozen in time of whatever. Happened that was really traumatizing that that started that wall, putting up the wall and blocking love and vulnerability out, blocking out empathy. Because if they have empathy, that means that they have to drop their wall, and if they drop their wall, they might get hurt again.

And so they're always gonna have that wall built up. It's like a self-protective emotion. Reaction. So therefore, in order to have empathy, think about like, what about you? Like how, how do you experience empathy? You experience empathy through connecting with another person. Uh, usually you, you lower your walls, you're vulnerable, you're open-hearted, and you can really feel how they.

but that's like the narcissist kryptonite is to feel anything vulnerable is like the death of them. So that's why going to therapy, like for real, going to therapy, like on their own and addressing their feelings is like the scariest thing ever because they don't wanna lower their walls. Um, and that's really the only way that you can connect truly with another person is through empathy.

So they don't have empathy because they don't have the emotional. and they don't want to have the emotional tools because it's too scary. Not all human beings can be open and can be vulnerable, and I mean, we can't change them. I wish we could, I wish we could have these beautiful relationships with these people that then all of a sudden have an aha moment and they change and they shift and they see the light.

Um, and sometimes they could, um, usually it's gonna be through struggle. But with an N P D it's very, very, very, . You know, when we see the light, when we right. Think of yourself as the empath. Having that awakening moment. You had to come to a really low place. You had to be vulnerable, you had to be stripped away of your ego, your maybe even your belongings, like your identity.

And that's a really scary place to be. And then if you have this mindset that if you don't have your identity, you don't have your ego, then you're nothing. You're worth nothing, and therefore you know you're gonna lose. That's the mindset they're always running away from. But in the hero's journey, that's usually where the hero rises up.

At the very lowest bottom point of your life, you have that glimmer of moment. Do you just lay down and give? or do you rise up and be the hero? I guess there's a third option you could run away from rising up to be the hero, which is the narcissist tactic. They just run away in a flea. They're a coward.

Or you can be that hero and rise up into your new identity and transform into this new, stronger, emotionally evolved, higher conscious person. That is stronger in your life. Therefore, it's a ripple effect. And in you're stronger throughout your entire world. Community, right through your, your relationships with your, maybe your new spouse or new partner.

First of all, your relationship with yourself, your relationship with your children. It pushes out to the relationship with your friends and your neighbors. And if you wanna start talking about your story, you write a book and you share with your community and then the world. It's a ripple effect. Yeah, absolutely.

Okay. Absolutely. Yeah. So the, I guess, let me conclude before I move on to the next comment in question N P D. They don't have empathy because they're afraid they're cowards. You had epilepsy brain surgery, seven, I think that's, I don't know, seven millimeters. Seven. So, I'm trying boundaries, then I get backlash.

Oh yeah. That's natural. Trying boundaries. You will get backlash. That's kind of part of that hero's journey is you pick up the sword, you start to draw boundaries, and then you, you know, go after, I don't know, whatever you're doing. A dragon, let's say you're trying to slay a dragon, will, the dragons are just gonna be like, oh yeah, I accept your thrust of the sword and your.

No, the dragon and the ego of the narcissist is going to fight back . He's gonna blow fire back at you. Of course there's gonna be backlash. I mean, I always like to imagine the, the, the narcissist as toddler, they are literally emotional intelligence of a toddler. So, um, think of it that way. If you can imagine, I don't know if you've had any kids or if you have nieces or nephew, , when they throw a temper tantrum, what is the strong, healthy parent supposed to do?

Are they supposed to just give into the boundaries and say, okay, fine, like your way, or do they stand there and be patient and continue to hold the boundaries and allow that toddler to flail on the ground until they're tired and done? And that's the thing with the narcissist to, if you're not living with them, that's just obviously ideal and for some reason you haven't blocked them and they're.

Flashing out at your boundaries, let's say via text message. You just ignore it. You're just ignoring the tempered tantrum. The same thing in real life and in person. The Gray Rock method is the best method to ignore the temper tantrum of the narcissist, to be able to hold firm to your boundaries. And if that person continues to berate you, then you have already stated, then I need, I'm leav.

Then I need to walk away and just walk out of the house, walk out of the space, and give yourself room and space to breathe, to get away and to stop feeding the energy of their backlash. Yeah. So you're not alone in that. We all experienced backlash from the narcissist, from putting up boundaries.

That's just part of the process. You gotta sling the sword, you're gonna have the dragon continue to blow fire at you. That's just how it works.

because I remember pondering about narcissistic behavior for hours on end every day. I've been out for 12 years and I'm still questioning like, let's think about , this nuance.

And I can share with you a aha moment I had yesterday about a particular nuance. It bothered me incredibly. When I left the narcissist, and usually when you are with a narcissist, they isolate you from family and friends. True N p D. So I didn't talk to my family. He stoked the fire of hatred and bitterness of my teenage years towards my family.

He talked, , down about them that they, , are bad people. They believe in this and that, and they're stupid and all this stuff, right? He just kept fueling the fire and. So I was gone and I didn't speak to my family for about, I go to a good solid eight years, and then I got back into contact when my ex and I got married, which was a very dumb idea, but I thought that marrying would normalize him and that would solve our problems, which I, again, I was convinced that the problem was me and.

If I just continue to work on it, then it'll be better and that marriage and commitment would make it better. And I just wanted a normal life. And with a narcissist, you don't ever have a normal life. sees all the reasons why we stay right. As I'm sharing with you my story, which is in my book EM Path and the Narcissist, if you wanna read more about my story and the lessons that I've learned, it's all there on Amazon or.

The link is in the blog, in the show notes.

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They were not like that. They moved on. , they, some of them were younger and then, then they moved on and they grew up into being an adult just like I was, right. I was a teenager and then was an adult when I left, , it was like such the hardest thing to accept, like they don't really wanna talk to me anymore.

They don't really love me. Like I thought that I was their, their sister. I thought that I was their cousin. I thought that I was their daughter and they kind of didn't know how to talk to me and what to do with. I mean they did if I leaned on them and that I was co-dependent and always sharing my problems with them if they could fix me.

That was the only way they knew how to relate to me as far as my parents. And it felt like such an intense betrayal. Like I feel so betrayed now by my family. Like I came back, I was hopeful. I thought we'd have a great relationship and that didn't happen. That relationship did not ever rekindle properly and.

I don't know if it's just me and I also, they, there are some patterns there in the family that , are limited in their emotional skills. , I'm sure there are families who get together and, they fully embrace you when they come back in. Who knows, right? Yeah, absolutely. So I, yeah, I think that's another nuance of things.

I'm always thinking about this journey of being an empath, healing from narcissistic abuse. I mean, it's a never ending, never ending journey. And it's beautiful because it's part of our soul's chronic journey. And I wanna ask you, what's holding you back from leaving? Because definitely I've, I tried leaving seven.

and if you know for sure it's narcissistic abuse. What's holding you back from leaving?

I know it held me back from leaving, but I wanna hear what held is holding you back from leaving? I mean, I say, what do you have to lose? But, um, I know you feel like you're gonna lose everything.

Leaving is, , really tricky. Thing to do, but it's the most freeing thing to do. It's kind of like that movie onward. Remember how he had to walk across that empty canyon?

There was no bridge, but he had to use his magic, his faith, to cross the bridge, stepping out one leap of faith in himself that he could do it at a time. That's really how leaving the narcissist is. It's an emotional faith test leaving the narcissist.

So yes, th this is always something that happens as domestic violence amongst the narcissist, especially with there's alcohol involved or they're trying to assert their control. Can you clarify more? , was there actually something that the police could report? Um, and because you were Hoovered in, and I mean, that's very typical.

Yes. We either get Hoovered back in or we hoover ourselves in because we feel this deep connection. Um, sometimes they put certain, not sometimes every time they put hooks into our. Like these energetic hooks into our hearts and also in the psychology world, it's called trauma bonding. So they love bomb you.

Then they start to paper cut, criticize you. Then they start to really criticize you and you're like, enough of this. I don't need this abuse. I'm leaving. And then you pull away, there's the guilt and shame. You feel like you overreacted and then they love bomb you back in. Yeah. It's just a vicious cycle.

Okay. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, with you, um, with every beautiful empath, but with you, with your brain injury, you need someone who is kind, who can hold space for you and make sure that you're in a safe environment. And the narcissist only cares about themselves. And so if you do something out of their control or desire, , then they're gonna lash out.

So that's not a safe environment. They don't care about anyone else's safety. They don't care about anyone else's wellbeing. They only care about themselves and what they want. And so for everybody, and especially for you if you have a brain injury, it's important to make sure you're in a safe space. So if you already felt like he was yelling at you and there was this domestic violence occurring, you, you.

Enough in your body and your state of mind to say, Hey, this is wrong. I need to call the police. That is a huge sign that you should probably find a safe space on your own to live. I mean, for me, I, I moved out under the guise that we were gonna work on our marriage with me in a safe environment. Like I knew that I couldn't live in that environment anymore cuz he got very physical.

He started to hit. . And so I said that's it. That's not happening. Like we need to go to therapy, but we're gonna do it with me on, you know, in my own terms, in my own home. It's my own home. Very, very tricky when they're living in your home. I know. So it would be interesting to know if the police did file a report.

if you now ask them that you need to spend some time alone and break up, and since it's your home that you own and they don't own it, they're the ones that should vacate. But with the narcissist, they're lazy and they try and use you and you know, grab a hold of any asset you have that might then come to a place where you need to take it to the courts file a restraining order, things like that.

But you need that documentation hopefully from the. to help you with that. Cuz you can use the police report as evidence for restraining orders if he doesn't leave. That would be my feedback. I know that's like, are you ready to fight and battle for your own home? But you need your own safe space. So , you need to figure out how you can break up, get him out, use whatever systems that you can and support systems.

So, yeah, that is a, Great challenge. You are in your hero's journey right now, and I'm rooting for you. You can do it. I think you certainly should take the right actionable steps that you can, , to figure out how to separate yourself from, , this person.

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So there's always that I know , be careful, but also be brave. This is such a duality in this, journey with a narcissist . You say, I was confused for a long time. Didn't know why I was so fuzzy in my head and I'm leaving now. Good, good. You've got here supporting you. and sharing with you that once you get the clarity Yeah.

Get the fuzziness out of your head, then leave. Yep. Leave as best as you can. Ask for that big boundary for the breakup. And , just be prepared to have your phone ready, have everything all prepared, knowing that it's gonna not be a good conversation. And then that way you can have that second report.

Make sure that you follow me on Insta here. And if you want, you can join the private Facebook group so we don't have any crazy people trying to hop into our live on Insta I remember my family helping me move out and leave and I had to sign a lease so I wouldn't, reverse Hoover myself, dang. Like every single time, seven times I tried to leave, I reverse Hoovered myself, you guys. So don't feel bad,

I've been there, done that, and I, I mean, I don't, I understand why, so I don't feel guilty or bad or think that I'm dumb for doing it. It's just part of removing yourself from the vortex of the narcissist. They do create such a fuzzy haze over your mind. and they create confusion. I think in my last carousel that I posted about the next five 50 signs, so it's um, six out of 11 of the 50 signs of a narcissist.

That is that part, like there's, there's a image of a brain and it has all the squiggly lines, all squiggled together because that's what they do with your brain. They, they twist all of the wires. because one day they'll say something that is not true, but claim it's true. And then the next day they'll say something contradictory and it's like just constant push and pull and push and pull.

ke stretched and unstretched [: 00:31:40

How could you, you know, if you just do this, everything will be better. Oh, you're so hot. Oh, you're so disgusting. It's like, pick one, like, which 1:00 AM I? And then it's like, you know, you're really dealing with some, some person who doesn't have a clue because they can't even pick one.

And it is hard to keep that secret, but you need to keep a secret, so make sure you don't tell.

Flying monkeys don't tell anybody. You absolutely do not trust who they may like finagle their way into trying to get information outta them. I mean, sometimes they'll even do it. I've talked to a client before where the narcissist was trying to get to her through her dad, and her dad was charmed and believed the lies of the narcissist.

So yeah, be safe. Be careful. You're welcome. I'm so grateful. I can be here and support you guys and yeah, just hold space for this. If you want more of this holding space. We, I host monthly healing circles and the empath healing community membership. Along with that, you get the full breadth of the library.

You get your human design red by me, and yeah, and then we've got this community here, but with those, we have the healing circles where we go in depth. , you get that, , ability to express yourself, and then we take a look at maybe where you need some healing and we do , some chakra healing, or we do some somatic healing, or , we do some type of spiritual healing to help you and support you to go deeper in that the healing process.

So our next one is March 18. This Saturday, and we host that on a Zoom call together and we all meet , so you can sign up to become a member on the website, Raven scott.show. And the landing page, I'll put

In the Shona.

Show notes

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there's a vast growing library in that of healing from narcissistic abuse, , as well as human design. Like what is human design? How do you understand your chart, how to read it. And then I also have a guided healing meditations and exercises. the full moon release journal is all in the library there in the empath healing C.

Speaking of a journal, I just launched some merge on my website. Raven's got.show forward slash shop. You can grab a mug to remind you to keep your unique light shining as well as a blank journal. It's beautiful gradient cover. And so if you need that journal to write out everything for your. Full moon journal.

And just to process everything. That's available for sale on the website,

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If you wanna submit your questions for me to answer in the next q and a. You can fill out the form or on my website, Raven scott.show

And as I mentioned at the beginning of the show, I pulled a car during this livestream. On how to leave the narcissist. So you can catch that card, reading this Saturday, upcoming on the episode. So tune in for that. And I share a beautiful story in relation to leaving the narcissist and exiting the toxic cycle, which was. A message given from the guides through the tarot cards.

So in conclusion, there is no easy answer on how to leave the narcissist. If you should leave the narcissist. . It is each one of our unique journeys. And our karmic lesson and our souls fight for us to awaken. And to realize our power and our greatness here on earth.

So to summarize all the points. Number one is know the warning signs of emotional abuse and narcissism. Number two, how can I safely leave a narcissist? Number three, how can I protect myself and belongings during the separation process? Number four, how do I survive financially?

And number five can therapy help me recover from narcissistic relationship.

And with that, I will leave you with a quote. From my book and path and the narcissist. You are a gift. You were once an innocent child. When you were born, you were, and still are a pure light force without gender or race. It's time to love that child and soul. Learn to love yourself. And your inner child as an adult.

And nurture yourself. No matter how ugly lost. Or desperate you feel. Those are all conditional feelings in a trapped existence that doesn't need to remain true.