From a Narcissist Magnet to a Narcissist Repellant | Embrace your Empath Spirit

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a trauma informed spiritual mentor, certified meditation teacher, and human design expert. I'm empowering empaths in recovery and healing from narcissistic abuse childhood trauma through human design self-care mindfulness advice and expert interviews Subscribe now This is season five

Episode 77 from a narcissist magnet to a narcissist repellent.

Welcome to your impasse. I just want to sh just before I dive in, want to share with you a bit about. The energy at large right now. And then I'm going to be sharing with you a little treat. I'm going to upload here at the entire chapter four of my book, you can listen on audible and path and the narcissist.

You can grab your paperback or hard cover as well on Amazon. Um, but yeah, I can't wait to share that with you, but first I wanted to share with you. If you haven't joined our newsletter, this is one of the newsletters that I send out. I, every Wednesday I send you like a week review. So if you haven't seen that yet, and you are subscribed, make sure to check your inboxes or spam. I send you inspiration and affirmation, a love letter, and energy update of what's going on.

Sometimes, usually with the major transits and then the human design gates and the sun and earth. And of course an update. Of what's going on in the podcast. And then Saturdays, I send you a love letter, like a inspirational empowering. I call it a sparkle reminder. Just to remind you how amazing you are and to continue to encourage you through your healing journey.

So here is, uh, the bit of the. Inspirational email this week, and then we'll dive into chapter four.

Who am I going to be now? A common question. One asks after the end of a narcissistic abusive relationship. Your affirmation this week is stand in your own place of power and be the decider of justice. But actually there's a quote. I pulled from a tarot reading for you on the live every Wednesday, Whitney from woman waken. And I go live on Instagram.

So that was at timestamp. 30 minutes into the live and it was the collective Terrell reading. And you can get your own specific taro reading if you join our lives. Every Wednesday at 2:00 PM Pacific time. Dear empath, happy Gemini season, by the way, it's time to learn, to talk to chat and network.

Last Sunday's meditation. I guided you and us in the Louisville app. About manifesting positivity. You can now join after we do our guided meditations on the Louisville app, the conference live. To ask your questions. Every Sunday, hop on it's free. It's not even through any route of mine is all through the Lubo app. One of our guests.

Um, has created this beautiful meditation app. It actually tracks your water intake and your movement and your steps as well.

So nevertheless, if you want to join that, it's a free app. You can download and I will be guiding you any another beautiful meditation this Sunday.

It's time to take a leap of faith in Gemini season with Mars in Leo and honor your Royal queen energy. The scariest part of ending. With a nurse assist and their relationship is leaving and the what ifs. Leap and the net will appear. Quote, unquote, one of Whitney's favorite quotes look out for the grasshopper spirit. Is this the animal spirit card that she drew on our live Terrell reading.

Which represents the spirit of why not? And has faith in the powers of co-creating with the universe. Trust that this is the right time to lean in and learn about yourself. Tastes take risks and abundance will show up for you. Listen to your intuition and ignore your ego, which holds you back in the toxic relationship.

This week, the sun entered in the human design gates gate 20. This gate is metamorphosis. Who here loves butterflies. I know we all do and pass and they are the most ultimate model and concept of metamorphosis. This gate is a Gemini gate, of course, because the sun being in Gemini now. And it's located in the throat center.

When you have this number colored in, in your chart, you are wise about the right action and going against the flow. Take some time to align your desires, actions, and mindset to plant the garden of your mind. With the right seeds for your future. Use your human design type strategy to determine what your next right leap of faith is.

If it's a yes or no, if you are unsure what your strategy means. Email me click the link in the show notes to schedule your free 20 minute coaching call today. The earth. Entered into gate 34. This week of the gate of power. In the sacral center and it's related to Sagittarius, which is interestingly enough, we have a full moon coming up in Sagittarius on June 4th.

And Sagittarius is the opposite Zodiac of Gemini. So the earth is opposite. The sun, as far as the gates are concerned in the human design. And when the earth gate is in 34 of power. It asks us to ground and slow down. Not pushing and being so busy, but leaning into surrender as your power. Developing and growing your relationship with your inner self.

So just a reminder. Do what you love heal from the inside to expand yourself? Through love. Trust the universe to deliver the perfect opportunities to fulfill your dreams and intentions.

[6:47] 4. From a Narcissist Magnet to a Narcissist Repellant

Sitting on the edge of my bed, all I remember from last night was partying in the elevator after drinking two bottles of Mike's Hard Lemonade with Everclear added in while it was very late and not a soul awake. I looked down at my feet with the light shining way too bright in my eyes. It sounded thrilling in the moment, but now that I am sober it wasn’t that fantastic after all. How did I get lost? How did I let myself and my treasures get buried under the other person’s talents? All through my twenties I looked for myself in all the wrong places and outside of my being. I felt overly confident all at the same time of feeling lost and constantly confused. I discarded and buried my amazing treasures for love, approval and the idea of growing up.

Why did I think those treasures within me were trash? And why did I let so many relationships go and let my current love affair smother my light? The answers lie within my centers and gates in my Human Design Chart.

When we live out of alignment with our soul we transfer our motives and experience pain and frustration. My motivation as a human is hope, and when I am out of alignment and do not see hope in sight, my transference is guilt. I allow guilt to drive all my decisions and please the other person. I always felt a need for control to prove my worthiness. I constantly felt alone and a foreigner even in the midst of my classmates. But I found peace in always searching for God at that time and was most at home in nature and outside with my horse. The answer also lies in a deep lack of trust in my spiritual foundation due to the hedge of Catholicism, manipulation and lack of information I was given about how the world even exists according to science versus according to an ancient text. After learning about evolution at the age of eighteen, my whole world was shaken. I was lied to, I felt betrayed, and angry at the God of my childhood. I searched outside myself and tried and experimented to find my own way in the world without my parents and their foundation. The problem was my new “savior” was more lost than I could recognize. We became codependent on each other in a very unhealthy way. And I grew comfortable in my cage of this toxic relationship. I have the gate (trait) of fear of the future in my Spleen Center defined. You may check on your chart if you have it, it’s #57. If you need help just reach out to me, the information is in depth in Chapter 12.

- The Awkward Granola Girl

After my sister left I invested a lot of time at my aunt’s house every weekend. She had two daughters older than me. And on the weekends I was the third sibling. I cherish those moments and enjoyed the adventures and fun times that I experienced. My sister cousins and I would dress up for Halloween and trick or treat, swim at the local lake, and do crafts. After my traumatic friend experience I would only make one friend each year and it was always the new student. Without being conscious of this nuance, I realize now I didn’t trust the students, due to them all turning against me that year. And it makes sense now upon discovering my Human Design, being a 6/2 role model / hermit, I always was selected as the leader role in charge of things. It was a Cathlic School, so I stepped into the role of choir leader, and at church I led a breakout group of 50 other students with another adult leader. So my leadership roles came out of my natural leadership qualities of being a 6 line role model. I felt so much responsibility all the time; even my hobby of horse riding and ownership I felt responsible every day to exercise and let him get out of his “cage.” And every event or moment I was the one to step in and take charge. The hermit part was my love for nature and my inclination to keep to myself. On top of the trauma, it just forced me more to be a hermit and hide out and get through school. I was socially awkward due to this combination because I wasn’t cool, or fun, or even acting my appropriate age. My peers didn’t know how to relate to me and I to them.

- Teenage crush

When it came to boys I also felt a strong responsibility to not repeat the mistake my sister made and I stayed busy with school, cheerleading, choir, worship team at school, and worship team at church, and leading the group at church, and riding and taking care of my horse- oh ya and homework. I left no time for boys. Even when there was that off occasion a boy would flirt with me and want to snuggle, but that’s as far as I wanted it to go. I carried the burden of being a good girl, I wanted to do the right thing and I wanted to be a role model as a Catholic. I was so guarded, and put up the aura of don’t get too close or make a move. And at the same time I was devastated, and based my self worth on whether the boys liked me or not because I was still playing that ugly dog loop over and over in my head. I was primed to be a victim for a strong willed, overbearing, narcissist to brainwash me into loving him. I also have to point out that in my Human Design chart my solar plexus is open; that made me a people pleaser, and my will center is open and it amplifies other people’s ideas to take over my own will. With gate 50 in my defined Spleen center, I have a fear of failing to take care of loved ones & responsibilities. Those two centers being open with the combination of my social awkward childhood are what I believe made me prey to this toxic scenario. Do you have those in your chart? And do you experience those same codependent tendencies?

- The Acacians

Senior year of high school our youth group grew so big we couldn't fit into the local mountain summer camp campus. So they created their own camp that fit the whole youth group over four weeks of the summer. They found a property with a barn that had two loft spaces and an actual bathroom for the pastor and volunteers. There was a lake, a dirt trail through the Pine Tree forest, a field with horses, and an abandoned house. I actually took care and bandaged one of the horses with my horse owning skills and knowledge who was cut on a barbed wire fence. I was on the worship team and sang every week, so naturally as a Line 6 role model I was asked to go and I gladly accepted. I spent the whole month there with my friends and fellow bandmates, the youth pastor, and other volunteers that I adored. It’s one of my fondest memories of my childhood. Four of us volunteers thrived in nature. We slept in tents in a meadow below the barn with a supervisor in an RV to protect us from bears. We called ourselves The Acacians. This also is the place where I got to know a fellow bandmate through conversation. He was really tall, handsome, and charming. He was the boy who was out of my reach, so to speak, a boy whose family had status in the church, and appeared so wealthy and regal; plus he fit the physical description of a Disney movie prince. His name was Lance. Every night after all the campers would go to sleep five of us friends, including Lance, would sit on the porch of the barn, and we would look up at the stars, and he would talk about the stars and he would talk about everything. He just was a talker, (he had an open throat center) and he had so much wealth of knowledge as I learned, after we became romantic, that he read encyclopedia books as a young child. I was so drawn to his wealth of knowledge. He would talk and then I would fall asleep to his narration. This should have been his first red flag because this wouldn’t be the first time this pattern would appear in our relationship. And my first red flag should have been that he didn't really ask a lot of questions about me. What is it about your first love, that you let go of all their flaws and focus on their strengths? When you do that you miss the red flags. He had a calming energy with his self confidence, and I felt so comfortable and attracted to him in a non butterfly way. The feeling was very neutral and in the beginning of our friendship he sought a romantic relationship with one of the other Acacians. We spent time as friends for months after that summer camp trip. He liked the feeling of me worshiping him, but this is what created this unhealthy pattern.

- Fireworks

As we developed our friendship, we spent many hours after church spending time together one on one. I was always available and reliable, and he was also. We enjoyed each other's company and one night he surprised me with a kiss. I really wasn’t expecting it. I was opening my door to his car on the passenger side to exit, and he called “Ray.” I turned around and he leaned in for the kiss. I kissed him back. And it made my stomach all a-flutter, I felt like I was walking on a people mover all the way to my parents’ front door. And the electricity in my body felt like fireworks went off! I closed the front door and leaned against the inside of it catching my breath and pinching myself. Did he really like me? Did he just kiss me?! I thought. I felt ecstatic….My father drowsily called out, “Hey Ray” I gathered myself up and unsuccessfully called out calmly “Hey Dad.” The explosion of chemistry and my desperation for a boy to be physically interested in my “ugly self" clouded my judgment and I didn’t care if he was right for me or not.

Of course on the surface and if written on a business card he was right for me.

“Handsome Tall Male Member of same church and religion Smart, funny, beautiful mother & grandmother. Kind family. Available for a relationship with a smart pretty girl.”

“Hired!”

He fit all the boxes I was conditioned to accept in a boyfriend. He made the world look beautiful and relieved me of my constant weight of responsibility. We enjoyed breakfast for dinner, midnight drives, music, fine dining, Posh lifestyle, concerts, and staycations. It was a blast. We laughed, made love, and danced to music. What else could a new romance ask for? The ocean was both our favorite places to relax. Hanging with our friend group was all part of our normal routine on Wednesdays after church. I had never been shown I was pretty, objectified and desired for my body and I craved that attention to finally prove I was worthy and loved. I put myself out there like a high end street walker, except for an audience of one. However, I didn’t mind the heads I turned along the way. It made me feel amazing, arrived and high up in status. I had a handsome man on my arm, and he had a beautiful woman on his. I held my head high, I strutted around in my stilettos believing I was better than most everyone. I hopped in the convertible feeling like I was the bomb. I showed all of my classmates that I was something and not the weird girl who was nothing.

Outwardly I proved to them I had arrived and they were still in the same struggling spots. I had overcome my childhood past and grown into a successful working wealthy twenty something year old. It felt good and I glowed with extra confidence and sex appeal. I put my self worth in the reactions and beliefs that others thought I was hot and successful as well and I hustled at work, gained a managerial position in corporate in my twenties and partied until I dropped- literally. I was 110% all in. This is my tendency when I am committed to a circumstance or person. I can’t help it. But if I had more self esteem, I would have approached it much more casually.

Sure I will date him for a bit and weigh my options. Should have been my thoughts.

He was after all my first boyfriend as a young adult. But I was too conditioned to believe this was the only chance, he was all I had and I had arrived. Where else would I go from here?

This would have been the conversation with my Spirit Guide/ or any sane person had I asked about it, and if I had connected back then.

- Spirit Guide​ “Ray Did he ask you about your desires? Like get to know you?”

- Me ​“No”

- Spirit Guide ​“Any questions about what your dreams are?”

- Me ​“No”

- Spirit Guide ​“If you want children?”

- ME ​“No”

- Spirit Guide “Then how do you think HE is the one to commit your soul to? Run girl! Run!”

I didn’t trust anyone. I didn’t even trust my mom to decide who was right for me, based on a previous experience that denied a beautiful mocha skinned boy a relationship with me because the advice I received was “The Bible says to not be unequally yoked.” Not until after I regurgitated those words, and his heart was broken, did I realize at fourteen that that was racist. Never again, I swore to myself that I would not trust anyone else to decide for me. It hurt me as deeply as it hurt him to have spoken those words and having any ounce of dislike for others' differences. I know in my soul we are all one humankind and our desires and insides are all the same. In that circumstance it was my fear of making a mistake and being a responsible good daughter. So I trusted only me, myself , I, from that moment on. I wanted to belong and rise above all those who taunted me in my childhood. I wanted recognition and admiration that I was pretty and desirable. If I had the previous conversation with myself or Spirit Guides, I believe our relationship wouldn’t have gone so far.

He made it very clear he didn’t want it to be serious. In my desperation to be loved and to please I agreed, knowing that would change in the future. I just wished it wouldn’t. I latched on like a crazy girl in the movies. After I harrowingly moved out of my parent’s house, I had my own place, but I spent all my time at his place, so I moved in with him. Then he made it very clear there would be no marriage or children in the future. I ignored it as immaturity and I wasn’t ready either. But then as time went on I was emotionally in too deep to give up and I literally feared the future and thought no one ever was going to love me other than him. And he eventually made sure he enforced that lie in my head.

- Worthy

To all you empaths out there chasing fake love, this is for you. I feel your anguish. The trick in breaking that painful cycle, with a love, a sibling, or a parent is to stop chasing and start fostering love for your own self. Relationships are a two way street. A game of tennis. If you find you are always serving and "the ball" (effort) is not being hit back over the net, then you are currently investing in a one sided relationship. What is meant for you will be. The people that want to be in your life will show up and be present. You don't need to convince, manipulate, or figure out how to have someone present. If this resonates and you feel a slight ache in your gut as you read this, you have experienced this unpleasant interaction.

You are worthy of true love, worthy of light, worthy of truth, worthy of joy, worthy of laughter in the bedroom, worthy of delight and worthy of living your truest self’s purpose. Start searching and looking within yourself to find your treasures within yourself designed by the Divine to bless other people in this world. And those who aim to bring you down are already below you.

Treasure lost: My innocence

Main Human Design Element at play: Open Will center. When this is open you are more prone to amplify other’s desires. You don’t even realize it because you adopt it as your own. You truly need to strengthen your inner authority to make decisions that are aligned with yourself, and not get sucked into another’s desires. Read more about Human Design in Chapter 12.

Dive deeper into this topic in S3 Episode 64 What is Projection and How Narcissists use it to Manipulate with Dr. Marni Hill, on the Empath & Narcissist Podcast.